Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Old Writing

So I used to have this writing journal on LJ... I went through it today and read some of the stuff. Some of it was really cheesy... but some of it was very meaningful. I'm going to post some of it here to share with you guys:


On Self-Image:
She stands in front of the clear mirror in the changing room, turning around and around, looking at how the pants fit her. She wrestled with her thoughts, thinking, “They’re too tight, I got fatter, that’s why they don’t fit very well.” A wave of depressing thoughts filled her mind, as she tried to block them out. “Jesus loves me the way I am,” she tried to repeat over and over in her mind, but the depressing thoughts came again and again. Sighing, she opened the door for her mother to inspect her. Her mother looked at her approvingly, complimenting her on her features and how the pants fit just fine. Only she knew, though, that they were too tight, and tears came to her eyes. “I’m too fat, too fat.” She sighed as she locked the door and shed the pants. Was she doomed to never find clothes to wear anymore? Suddenly, she heard a voice calming her frenzied nerves. It was a voice she knew well, a voice that spoke to her heart at the times when she felt the least hopeless. Even at a time like this, with such trivial matters, the voice cared for her every concern and worry. It did not say anything in words, but the girl felt a wave of peace and love wash over her, and all her superficial fears were washed away. The voice comforted her by whispering a few words that had often been said to her at these times of doubt...

“You are adored and loved by the Highest Prince of all…”


The worship music fills her ears as she walks through the doors of the church. This is the place where she has grown up – she has been coming since she was in 4th grade. Although at the beginning it was merely for social purposes, throughout the years, God has transformed her life in a way that she’s never dreamed He could. She now comes for no other purpose than to seek Him more, to know Him more, to praise Him for all the wonderful things He’s done in her life, whether big or little. She chooses a seat at the front of the room, and silently prays that God will draw her to Him today, everyday. She sings the songs, not for others to see, but because they are the prayers of her own heart. She doesn’t care what people might say about her – she’s completely filled with adoration for her Savior, and He’s all that matters during that half an hour of worship. He’s done so much for her – what more could she do in return besides to humbly come before Him? She smiles as she bows her head and prays – it’s been another beautiful Sunday morning in the presence of her loving Father.


her thin, wrinkled hand grasped on tightly to mine as we made our way through the throngs of people. these hands have known the pain of war - how good food felt when there was finally something to eat. these hands have held onto my grandfather's when they were married nearly five decades ago. these hands have cared for and nurtured three beautiful children and six grandchildren. these hands have soothed a bumped knee, a scraped elbow, and much, much more. these hands have cooked over a thousand meals for a family of five, and had given unconditionally. these hands, which were once strong, have become frail and bony. she used to hold my hand as we crossed streets, but now she needs me to support her while we walk. her eyes can no longer see as well as they used to, and it is now my job to aid her. i hold onto my grandma's hand firmly as we walked on that street, talking about random things. only God knows how much she's been through - each pain and suffering is written in the deep lines of her calloused hands. she is no longer as strong as she once was, and after her supporting me my whole life, it is now my turn to help her, to make things easier for her.


She is an ordinary girl.

Like every other girl, she wishes for a Prince Charming, made especially for her, one day. Like every other girl, she swoons whenever a guy buys her a boquet of flowers, although that hasn't happened since years ago. Like every other girl, she loves chocolate, chick flicks, and cuddly things. She especially likes it when someone makes her feel special.

Admist her friends who seem to have so many pursuers, sometimes she feels like an oddball. Occasionally, she'll wonder if she needs to put herself out there so she can have the oppurtunity to date. But a gentle voice soothes her heart, "Your commitment to Me right now is the most important -- I'll bless you with a Prince Charming soon enough, as long as you trust in Me." Then, the lonely feelings disappear. Sometimes she daydreams of their life together, of what her future will be like. She doesn't know if he's a part of her future, or if she's even going to get married one day, but she has her own Prince in heaven - what more could she want?

He knows her needs, her wants, her fears, and her deepest thoughts. He loves her so much that He sent His own son down to die for the sins that would break His heart, but yet, He loves her anyway, just the way she is. On the days when tears course down her cheeks and her heart hurts because of something someone said to her, He holds her heart, and mends it with His tender words. When she rejoices because of a thing accomplished through Him, she runs to Him in silent prayer and gratitude, and He smiles. He gives her all the strength she'll ever need to make it through the tough times, and mends every wound and rubs over every scar. He's the one who brings her a beautiful sunset and sunrise every morning. He makes the roses bloom and the birds sing, just so He can show her how much He loves her. She delights in every moment, trying to capture mental images of this amazing love for her.

Even if this Prince Charming is not in her future life, she knows she'll always be loved and provided for. For He is more than enough for her.


She had always been a tomboy. From the age of six and up, she had refused to wear pink. She hated wearing dresses, skirts, and even tighter and better fitting pants, and instead felt comfortable wearing t-shirts that went up to her knees and baggy capris that could've been mistaken for guy pants. For years, she dressed this way, much to her parents' dismay. "Why can't you dress like a little lady?" they asked her every morning. She told them that she would never be like or dress like her girly and feminine older sister.

However, one day, she grew up. Tighter pants didn't seem too bad after all. Her sister often found her showing up at school in her pink t-shirts and hand-me-down jeans, articles of clothing that she had scorned so passionately just months before. Something inside of her was changing. She cared about what she wore -- glasses were pushed aside to be replaced with contacts, running shoes were thrown out to make way for a new pair of Adidas superstars. All the boyish clothes in her dressers were folded and put in the closet, and the empty drawers were filled with pinks, purples, reds, and blues. Her sister noticed how much time she spent in the bathroom every morning, primping and cleaning. She's a completely different person now -- more mature, more feminine, more stylish and trendy.
has to grow up sometime.

Everyone grows up sometime, right?


I've come a long way in my writing, but there's nothing like reading an old journal that makes you think about the past.


tiff pan said...

i know the last one is about me. i remember reading it once and asking you about it.haha.i can't believe i'm turning 19 this year. how fast time flies. i remember you gave me a cd for my 12th birthday. tuesdays with morrie when i was 14.

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