You know my brokenness. I am broken, so broken. So broken in my relationships with friends, with Jerry, with everyone, and the worst, with You. I seek a way back to You, but feel like every time I take a step forward, I take two steps back. You write in Your word that when we repent and come back to You all is washed away, but I have such a hard time believing that. I had a vision for this year, but it's lost among the brokenness in my life, and I need Your healing. It seems in reach, but so hard to get there.
How do I get back to You, Lord? Help me. I need You so much right now.
-- after writing this last night, I read a chapter of "Set-Apart Femininity" by Leslie Ludy. I've been inspired by her writing (her first book, Authentic Beauty) since I was 16, so when her new book came out, I had to get it. It's amazing because I feel this was the chapter God intended me to read. Look at what Leslie writes:
"We wonder how to truly recieve the forgiveness of CHrist. The enemy of our souls whispers viciously into our ears, telling us that we are unworthy, that our pasts are too marred, that our souls are too dirty to ever be washed clean and marked by His divine beauty. We are unworthy. Our souls are dirty. True repentance starts by acknowledging that fact. But it's not about our worthiness. It's about His."
By then, it was around 12 AM, so I slipped into bed and began to pray. I prayed for God to wash me clean, despite my dirtiness, and for Him to shine through me. And then a miraculous thing happened.
I must've drifted off to sleep after praying, but I awoke to this feeling a few minutes later of... someone holding me. It was so warm and comfortable and it put a smile on my face immediately. I remember just feeling loved and content, and then falling back asleep until this morning. This morning, I remembered last night that I had asked God to hold me while I slept, because I needed to know He was there and that I was loved. An answer definitely came last night. :)
Thank You, Lord, for Your redeeming grace, for giving me a new day so I can proclaim what You have done in me. Continue to teach me and strengthen me to be more like You.