Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Wanting Out

This is going to sound horrible, but I can't wait to get back to Ann Arbor.

Why, you might ask? Taiwan's your home. Yeah, Taiwan is my home, and I'll always love coming back to some degree. But this summer has shown me in more than one way that I don't really belong here. Yes, I grew up here, and yes, my family is here, so for that reason, I will always return. But I don't really want to come back and spend long breaks here anymore.

Every time I come home, I'm bombarded with messages along the lines of, "You're so fat for an Asian female." Not in those exact words, but the message is the same. No matter what I'm shopping for, I always have to buy Large. Even if I try to take a Medium sized, say, shirt for example, the store lady will look at me and say, "I think that's too small", even when it fits just fine. I know my parents mean well, but they always look at what I'm eating and tell me eat less. I know my sister doesn't mean it and probably doesn't even remember, but she's said a lot of things this summer that have really hurt me. She doesn't understand because she is skinny, the perfect size for an Asian girl her age, and mine. And I'm not. I have hips, I have a chest, I have curves, I'm different from her. I can't wear size 0 jeans and I don't weigh just 100 pounds. Simply different, and that's not okay here. 

It sounds horrible and hurtful, but I don't know how much more I can take. Everything I learn during the year about how God loves me the way I am and how looks don't matter is shot down here. It's gotten to a point where I feel angry at God, for making me the way I am. No matter how much I diet or watch my weight, I've never been that skinny, and even though I want to be, I never will be, and that's the truth. 

Part of me just wants to leave. But that would be running away, wouldn't it? 

1 comment:

Tiffany said...

I guess this summer will follow the tradition and we just don't have a chance this year, either.
But I just want to tell you that I can totally understand what you're saying... Although I know what the truth is, the lies are so compelling that they're blokcing people's eyes, including mine. I love how I don't feel the criticizing glare when being in the States, while I'm always facing it all year around.

Jia yo, let's strive to seek the beauty from His perspective.

Love you, have a safe trip back.