A Forgotten Prayer

Jerry and I kept a blog while we were long distance last year - a place for us to jot down our thoughts to each other and prayers to God on behalf of each other. I went back to the blog after not posting in it for over half a year, and found this post, written about a week after Jerry was laid off from his job. 

I just wanted to jot down the thoughts I had tonight so I would never forget.

Lord, we come before you, humbled and broken. You convicted my heart tonight - I have SO much pride. SO much more than I thought I did. But You love me. You love me despite my imperfections, despite the times I walk away, and even run away, and You love me in my flaws. You love those deepest parts of my soul and my heart - and yet I still turn away, thinking I can do it all alone.

Lord, I am so foolish. We are so foolish for thinking WE know what's best for US. We want security. We want a family. We want so many things. And yet - is this the life You have called us to?

What about living for You? Living out our callings for You? Living life in uncomfortable places? Where is our passion? How can we find it again?

Lord, crumble our dreams and our hearts and set our hearts anew for You again. You are our Savior and You know best. We have no where else to turn but to turn towards You, and You will provide.

You are our Lord today and for the rest of eternity. Humble us, and show us Your ways. Please, Lord, we beg of you.

Wow, reading it again brought back all the emotions from this past summer. It was probably the most trying period in our relationship up till now, and the most uncertain place that we've ever been. And yet, I look back on the prayer, and I see how God answered us in ways that we only understand now. He took away what WE thought was best for US for this year, and replaced it with His plans  - much better plans than we could've dreamed for ourselves. Our passions? Definitely ignited again - just in a different way. I always knew that God called me to teaching to serve underprivileged children, and while that didn't manifest itself in the way I thought it would (I definitely felt God would call me to Baltimore... but I was wrong), I am now at a school advocating for and serving many children that come from low-income families. The place where I am is the perfect place for me at this time, and I am so grateful for this opportunity. I'm thankful for all the colleagues I've met that have become friends and all the children that brighten my day everyday. It has been a slow process to find my rhythm as a first year teacher but I'm finally feeling like I have an idea of what I'm doing each day and purpose behind all of it!

God is good. He is good regardless of the circumstances we are in - our circumstances do not change the character of God. That's something I've been thinking about and wrestling with. I watched a video recently about a woman who was widowed at the age of 32 - something she said brought tears to my eyes. She said, "I don't know why God planned for me to be a widow at 32, a single mother of 3, or why He took away my best friend - but I know through it all, God is good." I was teary eyed because... I simply cannot believe her strength and her faith. It's only through God's grace that we can have that kind of faith and belief. I thought about it for myself - if God were to take away Jerry for some reason... would I have the same courage? The same faith to keep declaring God is good? It's so convicting. I have much to learn. Keeping the journal of joys has really helped my heart in being thankful and content in each day.