finding beauty in the ordinary

Jerry and Mel Say "I Do", Part 2

2011-08-27T09:41:00.000-07:00

So 9 PM came and went, and I started to worry. My parents were supposed to have landed in Detroit (coming from Canada and transferring at Chicago) at 7 PM. They were planning to be in Ann Arbor around 9. Why hadn't they called yet? So I waited... and waited.... chatted up with Eunice and Irene as we lay in bed, just waiting. Eunice had drank a huge cup of coffee at Comet Coffee, so she couldn't sleep, haha! :) Anyway, around 11:00 - I get a call from my dad.

"Hi Mel. We are stuck. Our flight is delayed. We won't be there until midnight." My dad was on the other line, still sounding optimistic.

"Okay, we'll see you when you get here!"

An hour later...

"Hi Mel. Can you look up train and bus tickets for us? Our flight was cancelled and I don't think we will make it on another flight tonight or tomorrow."

Every bride's worst fear... or mine, anyway. Having my parents there was the most important thing (besides actually marrying Jerry) to me and to think that they might not make it... I was sad and upset. Irene prayed with me and we fell asleep eventually, but not for very long periods of time. I kept waking up hoping that my parents would call again, but they never did. Because my parents have international phones, they could call me, but I couldn't call them back. So I waited.

And waited.

Finally at 6:30 AM - a call.

"Hi Mel. Dad was in the hospital last night." This was my mom now.

"What?! Why?!"

"He hurt his back. We are in the hospital now. But things are okay."

God, why did You allow all this to happen? During such an important week? Questions swirled in my head. What could I do? What could anyone do? It was that feeling of helplessness. My mom hadn't wanted to call me - she knew I would be worried. And she was right. There was nothing to do but pray and hope they would make it and my dad would be okay.

I remember just feeling waves of guilt. If they didn't have to travel all this way for our wedding, he wouldn't have gotten hurt. Why were they stuck in a place that I couldn't get to? I couldn't do anything. I hated that feeling.

Luckily, God works in the most amazing ways.

The next morning, we (Eunice, Irene, and I) got up and ate breakfast at Webers. It was nice to spend time with these girls and just take my mind off of things for a bit.

Eunice and I also spent part of the afternoon watching the Bachelorette. :)


We love our reality TV shows :) And the guy we were rooting for won in the end!

I spent parts of the day on the phone with the airline company getting my parents' luggage information and on the phone with them figuring out what was going to happen with their travel plans. At this time, my mom had contacted a family friend who was coming to our wedding from California. This is where the story becomes God-filled, because only God could have orchestrated such good timing. The couple had stopped in Chicago to visit some friends before making the drive to Ann Arbor, and when my mom called them from the hospital Tuesday night, they were still in Chicago! The next morning, they picked up my parents, checked them into a hotel to rest, and planned on driving together the next day (Thursday). This is one of the things that week where I look back and say, "That was all God."

That night was my bridal shower. Irene left with Tiff to set up, while Eunice stayed and hung out with me. We napped a little and then had dinner at Webers.

Meanwhile, the girls set up the Knox music room. :) It was so cute!

Haha, Sky! These balloons were so big!

Sky and Tiff.

Tiff and Irene!

Marylee - my wonderful discipler during grad school :) She got us the location for the bridal shower!


Too cute!

Irene picked Eunice and I up and off we went for a night of celebrating and girl time! :)


Tiff explaining the rules for the games.

There were games - "How well do you know Mel?" (which Eunice won!), toilet paper dress making contest (which Maggie won), and gifts :) Even though I told people not to bring gifts, there were still a lot! I am so blessed with the ladies in my life!


The food! Everything was so good. I wish I could've eaten more!

All the ladies :) Thanks for coming!!

Practicing for the big day? Hahah!

My girls... pointing to their favorite photos?

All the toilet paper dresses, haha!

Me with my now mother-in-law :) It was special that she came!

Haha!

Our "silly" photo :)

My girls! (minus Jodi) Tiff got us all pins (bride-to-be and bridal party). It was too cute. I loved it all!

It was a lovely shower, and I was so happy to see all these wonderful ladies who have been a part of my life for so many years. It was great to be together again!

To be continued!

Jerry and Mel Say "I Do", Part 1

2011-08-17T11:59:00.000-07:00

Hi friends! So I thought it was about time I sat down and started to blog about our wedding. :)

Jerry and I left Alexandria the Tuesday before our wedding. We drove to BWI because we decided to fly Southwest, and our flight was smooth. We got to Ann Arbor and it was pouring rain! We had forgotten an umbrella, but luckily we didn't have to be outside to get our rental car. We ended up with a black car that looked sort of like a newer Rolls-Royce. It was really long and boxy, but perfect because we had a lot of luggages! :)

We headed straight back to Ann Arbor to apply for our marriage license (we cut it close!) and meet with our coordinator at Knox to finalize our ceremony details. This was a very interesting meeting, because I had never met with the coordinator until now - everything was through email. She was very insistent about some things (candelabras - I had written we didn't need them, and we ended up with them because she said it would be pretty. It was, but she was a little pushy about it). After the meeting at Knox, we headed back to Ann Arbor and had sushi with Eunice and Irene! It was so good to see them again and for us all to sit down for a meal together.

So lucky to know these girls!

Excited to be married in a couple days!

Sadako - one of our favorite sushi places. We still crave it sometimes!

After lunch we went and checked into Webers Inn, where all of our wedding party stayed and some family, too. It was really nice. We got a room next to the pool.

Eunice and I rested a little bit, and then we went back to campus to have dinner with my sister at Sava's! Still love their sweet potato fries :)

After that, Irene picked Eunice and I up and the three of us headed back to Webers to rest for the night. I put on my dress so they could take a look at what the bustle looked like. This was also a moment where I was praying the dress would still fit me! The last time I tried it on was at my fitting, which was half a year ago in January. Luckily, it fit perfectly! :)

Tuesday night was not quite as fun. It became the longest night ever... to be continued!

New Normal

2011-07-30T13:18:00.000-07:00

Well, this weekend ends the first week of Jerry and I being back in Virginia and both being back at work! It was mentally and physically exhausting for me. I slept 9 hours last night and then just took a 3 hour nap from 11 AM - 2 PM. Oops.

Anyway, we went to Taiwan for 10 days for our reception there! It was great fun, and the trip was way too short, it seemed! It was really great to see all my relatives and meet Jerry's relatives. My aunt sang for us at our reception, and so did my sister and cousin Angeline. It was beautiful. Our reception there was really different from the one in the States - I got to wear 3 dresses in the span of 3 hours, and there was a lot more structure (like, after I changed into the second dress, we had to do another entrance, so Jerry and I had to wait outside for like 10 minutes until our "cue" to go in). The only downside was we didn't get to eat any of the delicious food at our reception. :( It sure looked good, but between everything, there was just no time to eat.

This past Monday I started going back to work. It was teacher work week this week, so no students yet, but we had to get our classrooms ready and attend professional development sessions. Wow, I was really exhausted and overwhelmed! Still being jetlagged, Jerry and I would wake up around 4-4:30 AM every morning, regardless of when we went to sleep (usually around 10, though!). Jerry would go to work and I would try to sleep some more before waking up for good and going to work as soon as the building opened. This always ensured I had a good parking spot, though, so there were some positives. :) I got my room into acceptable shape with some decorating, but it took so long! I was pretty excited going into it - I didn't know how much work it takes to get a classroom into order! There's so much to think about - functionality, accessibility, aesthetics, etc. Just to name a few. I must have rearranged the furniture like 5 times! Luckily, because Jerry went to work so early, he willingly stopped by after work everyday to help me do random things in my classroom. I will be always grateful to him - such a sweet husband :)

Well, back to relaxing this weekend - Monday will come soon enough! :)

Life Lately

2011-07-07T05:56:00.000-07:00

The best shot I have of our rings so far, from my iPhone. :)

So Jerry and I were counting... as of today, we have been married 12 days. :) We've really enjoyed newly married life so far ... there's been a lot of food:

Zucchini casserole, grilled asparagus with mushrooms, homemade mashed potatos, and fresh squeezed lemonade! Perfect dinner for a hot summer day.

Yesterday I attempted the macaroni and cheese recipe from Ree Drummond's "The Pioneer Woman Cookbook". I substituted cheddar cheese with pepper jack and mozzarella for some spicy flavor, and skim milk for whole milk to make it less fatty, haha! It was delicious!

We are enjoying this season of our lives for the time that we have it. We leave for Taiwan on Saturday and I go back to work 6 days later, so summer is almost ending for me as well! I haven't started thinking much about next year yet - I know that time will come soon enough, and I just want to enjoy this time right now where we don't have a whole lot to do and can just enjoy each other.

We're big homebodies - after Jerry comes home from work, we treasure the time we can spend together at home - eating a home-cooked meal, enjoying each other's company, sometimes just cuddling and not saying a word. We are really enjoying the "togetherness" of marriage - it's new, and it's comfortable. Something I treasure deeply.

I'll be sure to take some photos of our place to post soon - it's looking more and more like home :)

Married!

2011-07-01T05:13:00.000-07:00

Our first kiss as a married couple! We did not rehearse this or talk about what kind of kiss we wanted, but I think it happened pretty perfectly :)

 Well, friends, we did it! Jerry and I flew back to Ann Arbor, MI last Tuesday in preparation for our wedding. I plan to blog a lot about the week leading up to our wedding, but I'm waiting for some photos so I can make my posts more interesting. :) We were married on June 25th, 2011, and despite the crazy week leading up to our wedding, our wedding day could not have been more perfect! It was better than our wildest dreams, and we partied until almost midnight before going back to the hotel! It was awesome.

We are now back in VA, settling into our new "normal" life. It definitely feels subtly different - I no longer need to leave to go back to my own place at night, we are sharing closet space and a bathroom, and we eat dinner together every night (and I get to cook daily! So much fun - I am trying out some new recipes and Jerry is being a good sport about it, haha!). I don't think it has really sunk in yet - we are just enjoying ourselves completely. 

This blog will now also contain stories of our adventures as newlyweds, as we want to keep our friends updated on what's been going on! So check in often! :)

Reflections of a 1st Year Teacher

2011-05-31T18:11:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here tonight, honestly in awe of how quickly this first year of teaching has been. What a year! There have been many successes and many "I-can't-believe-I-just-did-that" moments. There have been smiles, hugs, and tears. I have been stretched and challenged in ways I did not anticipate, and yet I have come out of it, even more appreciative of this calling God has instilled in me.

I remember hearing the calling the first time at Urbana 06 (oh, what a long time ago that was!). My heart was drawn towards God's mission for urban children. I had my heart set on it and my plans all drawn out - I would go to grad school somewhere, get my teaching license, and teach kids that needed an opportunity to succeed. He ended up placing me in Alexandria, VA.

At first, it really didn't seem to match up. Urban kids? My school is located in one of the wealthiest neighborhoods in this city! However, the more I got to know my students and their stories, the more I see why God has called me here to serve these particular students. Many of my students are those students I desired to teach - the ones with less opportunities, the ones with burdens you could not even imagine. I have seen them all persevere and make incredible progress, and I am blessed to be a small part of it.

Friends, I so wish you could have been there with me today. Knowing that my time with these students is drawing to a close, I used a small grant from the school PTA to buy my students two books each that we had read together over the course of a month. These were beloved books to us, and you should have seen their eyes light up when I handed them the books.

"Are these from the library, Ms. Pan? Where did you get so many?" One student asked.

"No, I bought these, and these are for you to keep. They are yours." I smiled.

One student clutched the books to her chest. Another couldn't keep from flipping through the pages and reading the familiar story. All of them gave me hugs. But what mattered the most was not the appreciation from the students (although that was so sweet!) - it was seeing them get excited about books and excited about reading. For some of my students, these are the first books that they have ever owned. It gave me such joy to see them so excited to get the new books. One of my students even closed his eyes tight and said, "I can't wait for the surprise, Ms. Pan!" He was delighted.

And that is truly special. This is why I love what I do. I have learned and grown so much this year. I have made many mistakes, but also learned how to be a better teacher and a better learner myself. I am looking forward to what next year brings. :)

Changing Identity

2011-04-24T08:47:00.000-07:00

As our wedding approaches in two months (!!!), I've had a lot of time to think about the issue of identity. Our identity changes so many times in life - but some things remain the same. We will always be sons and daughters of our parents, no matter our age, and we will always be boys and girls. Some identities do become part of us as we get older - student, our professions, wife, husband, mother, father, etc. You get the idea.

So as I think about our wedding coming up and being married to Jerry, a part of me wonders how my identity will change. I will no longer be "Jerry's girlfriend" or "Jerry's fiance"... I will become "Jerry's wife." Now that's a weird thought. It's strange to think that 5 years ago when we met, I was just 18 years old, and he was 20. And look at us now... both working (by the grace of God), living in a new area, becoming real adults in the real world. Jerry will also no longer just be Jerry, but he will be my husband. Weird. Definitely exciting, but weird to think about. We will no longer live separately - we will have place that will be ours.

Over breakfast the other day, we were talking about what we will miss after we get married. Marriage is a wonderful, blessed thing - but it does come with sacrifices and many changes. Jerry said he would miss having money to spend on things just for himself (and I agreed). I told him I would miss having my alone time - although we both agreed to give each other space everyday just to clear our heads after work alone.

I'm nervous for this new identity to become a part of me, but definitely more excited than anything. It will be a huge transition for both of us, but one that I think we are both ready for!

Waiting for Superman

2011-04-09T06:37:00.000-07:00

I've been wanting to see this movie for a long time now, and finally watched it last night with Jerry. As someone who is in the education field, I was wondering how this movie would portray teachers - is the failure of many schools in America a result of bad teachers, home life, or a mix of everything?

What I got out of the movie (the main message) is that America's education system is broken. The way that it is set up (as the movie explained) was for a world that existed 50 years ago. The system worked pretty well then, with the society at the time, but our world now is very different than what it was. Many of our schools are promoting children who are not proficient in their learning, and by college, have not mastered many of the skills that they need to be successful. Things in the system such as tenure prevent school districts from being able to fire inefficient teachers, and so they stay - and new teachers have a hard time finding a job. There was one part in the documentary that stuck with me, where it talked about a teacher's job. "Isn't a teacher's job to teach children and fill them with knowledge?" Essentially, yes. But with all the bureaucracy, paperwork, testing, standards, and so on... you would be surprised how many things get in the way of good teaching. As a first year teacher, I have seen some of this first-hand, and it's frustrating! When our time with our kids is being pulled away because of legalistic issues, we are not able to do our jobs the best we can.

As a public school teacher, I don't agree with everything that was shown in the movie. Yes, the movie showed one side of the story - the successful progress of students in a couple very successful charter schools. It kind of portrayed a message that charter schools had found what worked, and the rest of the schools are yet to do "what works". But are all charter schools successful? I know that not all public schools are successful, either. There are flaws in both systems. But what can we do to fix the system as a whole? It's not just about public vs. charter schools at all - it's about education for all children as a whole.

The part that got to me the most emotionally was the story of the five children in the documentary. Clinging to hope against all odds, their families seek a better education for them. Why is it that in order for them to get a good education, they have to put their children's education in the hands of a lottery system? It's just so unfair. The quality of a child's education should not be based on where they live - it should be the same everywhere. Equal education, right? But we all know realistically this is not the case. The wealthier the neighborhood, the "better" the school, usually.

I have no easy solution for all of this... I think the movie just made me more aware at how much work needs to be done in the education system. But for the time being, I will continue to work hard with the students I am privileged to teach!

Emotional Toll

2011-04-02T06:56:00.000-07:00

When people talk about teaching, they very rarely mention the emotional toll it takes on you. Yes, teaching is not easy work and it is very rewarding... but I think I realized recently that teaching also has a very emotional side to it. Not just in the rewards... but in the deep sadness I feel sometimes.

This week was parent teacher conferences. I didn't attend the first round during first quarter, because I had just been hired then, so this was my first official round of conferences. Most were very positive - I loved talking with the parents and seeing where my students were coming from and how parents shape their children's learning and value for education.

There were some that broke my heart. The harder conferences were the ones where my students had made some but not enough progress, and seeing where some of the parents were coming from put things into perspective for me. Imagine - illiteracy in both Spanish and English, family separation, intimidation (not sure how to help). In looking at things from those perspectives, these struggling students have learned a lot and made a lot of progress. But what happens when that is not enough?

I broke down yesterday when talking to Jerry because I felt this overwhelming responsibility. Are these kids not making the progress I want to see because I'm not a good teacher? How can I do more and be better? Why are there circumstances in their lives that I can't do anything about? It's just not fair.

Jerry reminded me that it is not my responsibility to make every child succeed. I mean, it definitely is - as a teacher, that's my passion - I want every child to succeed. I give my all to see that happen for every kid. But sometimes, you do all you can and it's just not enough. And that's all any of us can do - give it our best effort and pray hard that things will continue to improve for the students. It breaks my heart, though - I want to do more, but I just don't know enough. What can I do more of? I feel like I've pushed myself this year to attend every new teaching training session I could... and I have seen fruits of that labor in many students.

Sigh, I guess God is teaching me a lesson, too - look at all the successes as well. But I can't help but think about those kids I see everyday who are dealing with so much. I want to see them succeed so badly. But what more can I do? I'm still struggling to find a balance.

God's Provision

2011-03-21T14:18:00.000-07:00

So I think two entries ago, I blogged about some "official" news I had wanted to share... but I didn't share until it actually started. Here's why...

I am now working full-time at my school. :) This is another instance where it's really all God - when I first got hired on as a part-time ELL teacher, I was really positive about it (for the most part). We are planning a wedding, and I got two days off every week! However, as the weeks went on, I got a little restless. Yes, it was really nice to have days off, but not when everyone else was at work! I tried to occupy myself but ended up sometimes just wasting a whole day doing pretty much nothing. It wasn't good. I like to have time to rest but not this much time...

So about a month ago, I attended a ELL budget meeting in place of my mentor teacher (because she couldn't make it). And who sat next to me? My principal, haha! We started chatting, and she told me, "Melissa, I've been thinking about you." And I was thinking to myself, "Really?" She then went on to tell me they had gotten additional funding for reading support and she was wondering if I would be interested in filling that role for the other two days. I told her I was and I waited.

It took a couple of weeks, but God has been so good, because the original plan was to hire me as a long-time sub for the extra two days. Which I would've gladly taken, too! But it was up and down - it went from that to "Maybe we don't have enough funds" to "We need to pay you full time" and etc. I wasn't really sure if everything would work out.

Well, I just finished my third full week of work. I am amazed at God's plans. Jerry and I have been praying for this (and I know many of you have prayed for me as well!) since I got hired, but thought, "At most, it would be next year... hopefully." But it came earlier than that and I am so grateful.

God has really been showing me the small (and big!) ways that He provides. Jerry and I have started to buy a couple things to furnish our new apartment. It's surreal to think in just three months... we will be married and living together. Wow! Time has really flown by. We have been able to snag a few really good deals from Craigslist, and while we still don't have a lot of things, it's becoming a home for us. I know once we start living in it together, it will really sink in.

Along with other updates, we have found a church that we love in Arlington (about 10 minutes from us). It's interesting because the church was planted just last year, so it's a very new community, and even though we are technically new to the area, so is almost everyone else that we've met! We have never been in a small group together, so it was fun joining one, and I'm loving it! The women in the group had a dessert and coffee night last week, and I loved getting to know all of them and I'm hoping those relationships will just continue to blossom. It's been a while since I've felt so at home in a group, so I'm really thankful for that too.

Continuing my joy project! There have been a few days where I missed out, but I come back to it and I'm on #157 now. Going to keep doing it - it's been awesome for evaluating what really is important in life and what is not!

A Forgotten Prayer

2011-03-03T16:37:00.000-08:00

Jerry and I kept a blog while we were long distance last year - a place for us to jot down our thoughts to each other and prayers to God on behalf of each other. I went back to the blog after not posting in it for over half a year, and found this post, written about a week after Jerry was laid off from his job.

I just wanted to jot down the thoughts I had tonight so I would never forget.

Lord, we come before you, humbled and broken. You convicted my heart tonight - I have SO much pride. SO much more than I thought I did. But You love me. You love me despite my imperfections, despite the times I walk away, and even run away, and You love me in my flaws. You love those deepest parts of my soul and my heart - and yet I still turn away, thinking I can do it all alone.

Lord, I am so foolish. We are so foolish for thinking WE know what's best for US. We want security. We want a family. We want so many things. And yet - is this the life You have called us to?

What about living for You? Living out our callings for You? Living life in uncomfortable places? Where is our passion? How can we find it again?

Lord, crumble our dreams and our hearts and set our hearts anew for You again. You are our Savior and You know best. We have no where else to turn but to turn towards You, and You will provide.

You are our Lord today and for the rest of eternity. Humble us, and show us Your ways. Please, Lord, we beg of you.

Wow, reading it again brought back all the emotions from this past summer. It was probably the most trying period in our relationship up till now, and the most uncertain place that we've ever been. And yet, I look back on the prayer, and I see how God answered us in ways that we only understand now. He took away what WE thought was best for US for this year, and replaced it with His plans - much better plans than we could've dreamed for ourselves. Our passions? Definitely ignited again - just in a different way. I always knew that God called me to teaching to serve underprivileged children, and while that didn't manifest itself in the way I thought it would (I definitely felt God would call me to Baltimore... but I was wrong), I am now at a school advocating for and serving many children that come from low-income families. The place where I am is the perfect place for me at this time, and I am so grateful for this opportunity. I'm thankful for all the colleagues I've met that have become friends and all the children that brighten my day everyday. It has been a slow process to find my rhythm as a first year teacher but I'm finally feeling like I have an idea of what I'm doing each day and purpose behind all of it!

God is good. He is good regardless of the circumstances we are in - our circumstances do not change the character of God. That's something I've been thinking about and wrestling with. I watched a video recently about a woman who was widowed at the age of 32 - something she said brought tears to my eyes. She said, "I don't know why God planned for me to be a widow at 32, a single mother of 3, or why He took away my best friend - but I know through it all, God is good." I was teary eyed because... I simply cannot believe her strength and her faith. It's only through God's grace that we can have that kind of faith and belief. I thought about it for myself - if God were to take away Jerry for some reason... would I have the same courage? The same faith to keep declaring God is good? It's so convicting. I have much to learn. Keeping the journal of joys has really helped my heart in being thankful and content in each day.

Finding Joy

2011-02-24T14:24:00.000-08:00

I blogged earlier about a book I was reading, One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. I highly recommend this book - it has challenged me to find joy in the everyday moments of life. I hit my 100th joy today... I've been doing this for about 10 days now. That comes down to 10 joys a day. Wow! I thought I'd come and share some of them with you (some funny, some sentimental, some I usually would've overlooked...):

1) Fresh brewed green tea
11) A hug from a student
15) Friendship with coworkers
18) Eating a good sandwich for lunch
25) Reading about adoption
30) Grocery shopping
37) Grilling in the cold
41) Being able to go to church
45) Buying a new basketball
52) Completing a rigorous workout
58) A worn, comfortable blanket
69) Seeing a village in Africa get clean, running water for the very first time
89) Communicating through smiles to a student who speaks no English
97) Waking up naturally with no alarms
100) Lotion that soothes dry skin

And the challenge continues. Some days I've found it really easy to come up with a ton of things - other days it's hard to come up with three. But each day as I open my eyes more and more towards the little things in life, I find myself happier and finding true joy in blessings all around me. It really is true that we are so blessed in life - it's just that often, we are blind to it. Consumed by the busy-ness of life.

There was a quote from the book I wanted to blog about:

Life is not to be lived as an emergency.

The question to myself has been: How can I live my life so that in every moment, no matter the circumstance, I can give thanks and be joyful?

I am a natural planner - I love to organize my schedule and always be doing something with my time. Of course, I have my lazy days where I like to relax, but I never like to have that for too long - I always need to be doing something. But why? What for? Of course, I have responsibilities and things that I need to take care of... but why the rush? What am I rushing for? To feel productive? To feel like I'm not wasting my time?

In the rush of it all, I lost sight of what is most important in life - God and people. I have been learning to slow down and learning that not every single minute of a day needs to be planned out and packed with action. Time is to be invested living in the moment and being present in each moment, not just rushing from one moment to the next. Very hard for me to do, but taking on this 1000 joys challenge has helped me immensely.

Slow down and live each day fully in the moment. :)

Missing Community

2011-02-16T15:54:00.000-08:00

As I sat at the round dining table, surrounded by Jerry's community group in Baltimore, I felt warmth. I felt love. I felt familiarity, even though this was more his family than mine. People from all walks of life surrounded the table - two couples with children older than both of us, a pastor's wife, a man in his 70's, and two young men about our age - it didn't seem as if we had anything in common at all, but somehow, it fit. We sat around the table laughing and discussing the Bible, and shared about our lives. This had been Jerry's family in Baltimore last year, his first year away from home. And yet, it had become my family in Baltimore too. Every time I visited him, I could always count on seeing these faces at his church and be embraced by all the lovely ladies. I have not met with them all one-on-one, but they know things about me and love me all the same. It felt like family.

As we drove away from the city last night, there were tears in my eyes. I have missed this; this feeling of belonging, of being embraced and genuinely hugged, and of warmth.

I can't say that our search for community has been easy here. The first church we went to felt very exclusive, and there was an incident that still hurts to this day. We have forgiven... but last night just reminded me of how sometimes, it still hurt. When you feel isolated and alone already and people exclude and dismiss you... it just hurts that much more. We have finally found our place at Redeemer Church in Arlington, but the past couple months have not been the easiest.

College community was easy - it was everywhere and easily accessible. Last night, tears rolled down my cheeks because for the first time, I let myself feel how hard it has been and to really process it. I told Jerry how much at home I had finally felt last night, and how much I realized I missed it. He agreed - it has not been easy. Driving through Baltimore reminded me also of how hard last year was in general - Baltimore will always have a special place in his heart, and in mine too. To me, it represents a year of dreams and of so much hope, but also a big loss. We walked the streets, talking about where we might live and how great it would be when I finally moved from Ann Arbor. We talked about the possibility of working with inner city youth and all the hopes we had together.

We never got to live out those dreams in Baltimore. I was reminded of that last night, and for some reason, it made me really sad. It almost felt like we had fallen in love with a place... with a future we dreamed about... and God uprooted us from all of that and we never really had a chance to process it all because it happened so fast.

But as we were driving back to Alexandria, I also realized something else.

God did not allow us to stay in Baltimore, but He gave us a home in Virginia. We have friends here, and we have a church here now. It is not easy and it has not become home quite yet, but it will - home is where your friends and family are, and most importantly, home can be anywhere with God.

As humans, we are resistant to change and we like to be comfortable (I do, at least). But Jerry reminded me - maybe God took us away out of a place we've grown to love because He has a greater purpose for us right now in Alexandria.

I see my purpose here when I look into the faces of my students. Every small success has been worth the hardship and God has been there every step of the way. I did not end up in a job I thought I would, and that has been more than okay. I look back on where my students started in September (and where I started, haha!) and I am in awe of how much they have learned and grown, and I see how much I have grown along with them. God has provided every single day, even on days when I felt like it was just too hard.

I have faith that God has a purpose for us being here, no doubts about it, and I don't know where He is going to take us next. But I do know that we are in very good hands. I understand better now than ever that God created us for community, no matter where we are, and we need to have community. We need support from others and this journey was not meant to be walked alone!

Got something else to share, but I'm going to wait until it's official :) To be continued!

How Do We See God?

2011-02-13T07:29:00.000-08:00

Psalm 23

The LORD Is My Shepherd

A Psalm of David.

¹The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not⁽ want.
²He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
³He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
   for his name’s sake. ⁴Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
   I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
   your rod and your staff,
   they comfort me.
⁵You prepare a table before me
   in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
   my cup overflows.
⁶Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
   all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD
    forever.

This is a Psalm I've read over and over again - but it took on new meaning this week as I read through its familiar words. After being a Christian for a good long time, it seems normal to say, "Oh yes, God is my savior and my Redeemer." But the question I've been pondering lately is this: "How do I live my life so that I really reflect that in my life and actions and not my words?"

People do say that actions speak louder than words. I have been convicted lately in my life - I say that I know God but I live as if I don't. How can I live like God is an important part of my life?

I realized that it comes down to how I view God. A lot of the time when I struggle, I don't want to tell God (even though He already knows everything... haha!) because I see Him as this Father who is looking down on me, disapprovingly. While godly fear is important in worshipping the Lord, this kind of fear was unhealthy. It was driving a wedge between me and God - the more I didn't want to tell Him things, the more "fake" my quiet times became, and the more "fake" my prayers were. I was always tiptoeing around certain issues that I didn't want to deal with and didn't want to admit.

I read this Psalm earlier this week and it was like a breath of fresh air. Imagining the scene in my head was really healing - God leading me by still waters, to just BE with Him - no talking, no anything. A shepherd is someone who nurtures and cares for someone or something (in those days, sheep)... but I started to view God as someone who really cares. He doesn't look at me scornfully - He is always there with open arms. He wants to care and nurture my soul - but I haven't been letting Him. I've learned to just give Him the parts of my life which are good and seem perfect - but He doesn't really care about that. He cares about the broken pieces too, and the struggles, and the mistakes - He wants me to bring it all.

I am truly learning how to let God be my Shepherd.

One Thousand Gifts

2011-02-06T10:34:00.000-08:00

As a part of God transforming my heart this year, He's been blessing me with some amazing books written by amazing authors! I finished reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan and was blown away by how much I learned about God's radical love for us and how He calls us to live our lives completely abandoned to Him - motivated by love and obedience, not obligation. A lot to digest and process - it was a great read!

I started reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp (her blog here: http://www.aholyexperience.com/). I've followed this woman's blog for about two years now, and I was so excited to get my hands on her first book. She has a way with words that I wish I had (check out her blog - you'll see what I mean) and she writes in a way that is so beautiful, even when writing about something heartbreaking.

Her book begins with a chapter describing a moment in her childhood that was her very first memory - her sister Aimee being run over by a truck and how the situation affected her family and her view of God. Although we don't all have the same stories in our lives, I'm sure all of us have suffered through a loss - whether it's the loss of a family member, friend, or other kinds of deep hurt.

Ann writes:

"Though I can hardly whisper it, I live as though He stole what I consider rightly mine: happiest children, marriage of unending bliss, long, content, death-defying days. I look in the mirror, and if I'm fearlessly blunt - what I have, who I am, where I am, how I am, what I've got - this simply isn't enough. That forked tongue darts and daily I live the doubt, look at my reflection, and ask: Does God really love me? If he truly, deeply loves me, why does He withhold what I believe will fully nourish me? Why do I live in this sense of rejection, of less than, of pain? Does He not want me to be happy?"

It's really easy for me to see things through what will benefit me - I think innately, all of us want what is best for us and our loved ones. Have you often prayed for your loved ones, "God, please just keep everyone safe." I know I have - I even prayed this for Jerry this morning as he left for California. There is nothing wrong with doing so - but when it becomes an obsession, I have to wonder, do I really trust God? What Ann writes, I have also lived in my daily life. When I am hurt or something doesn't go the way I expect it to go, I doubt - "Does God really love me? If He did, why would He allow this to happen?"

It's a constant struggle between my heart and my own needs and wants and the will to surrender to God's plans and purposes. I think it comes down to humility. God is bigger than this world - He is bigger than us, and yet I live as if I rule my world. It's a shift in my worldview and mindset, and I'm still learning to let go. God does not exist to give us happy lives and everything we want and need - He has bigger purposes for each one of us. What that is remains to be seen and in time, we will discover it, but this quote definitely hit home for me.

Embracing the challenge of finding joy in everyday life instead of looking at life through the "Why-hasn't-God-fixed-this" lens, Ann decided to write down 1000 "gifts" that God blessed her with throughout a year.

I started making my list on Thursday. It's challenging because I want to write down 1000 different items. It's been a little hard but I have been having fun doing it. Maybe I'll share the list here sometime next year and we'll see if I made it to 1000!

What are some joys you've found in your life lately?

Conviction

2011-01-27T14:04:00.000-08:00

The book Crazy Love by Francis Chan has been so convicting. Every chapter has some truth that hits me hard - it's a reminder of my own brokenness and selfishness as a girl who is in dire need of God's grace. But it also speaks of God's radical love and His passionate love for His children.

Another quote about the generosity of God:

"God didn't just give a little for us; He gave us His best. He gave Himself. John is saying that it is no different for us (1 John 3:16-20): True love requires sacrifice. And our love is shown by how we live our lives: 'Let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in trust.'"

I think this quote applies to all types of love and all types of relationships. Relationships require work and sacrifice on both ends, to gain a deeper level of intimacy and trust. The process is really hard and sometimes we are tempted to just throw up our hands and think, "Forget this! It's not worth it."

The funny thing is, it's ALWAYS worth it. Despite the trials and the hard times, finding intimacy in a friendship or relationship is worth the sacrifice.

Francis Chan writes later in the same chapter,"When it is hard and you are doubtful, give more."

It's so radically different to the way people think nowadays. I know that I have thought this on multiple occasions... why do I need to give more? Isn't the bare minimum enough? In my own selfishness, I have chosen on occasion to do what's best for me and what's comfortable for me. I'm sure we all have.

But God calls us to do more, to give more, to sacrifice more... not for our own glory, but for His.

It's much easier said than done, but God has been teaching me to love more and sacrifice more for His glory through my job (on those really rough days, when I question my calling to teach... they are rare and far between, but it does happen sometimes). It's also really easy to appear as if you're giving a lot but the giving is not motivated by love. In that case, it is all worthless.

It all goes back to the heart. Who are we doing these things for? And for what purpose?

Very convicting.

Generous Giver

2011-01-21T08:03:00.000-08:00

So often, I fall into the trap of thinking, "Well, I already gave enough. Isn't this enough? I'm tired. I deserve a break..." and it goes on and on.

Reading the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan has really convicted me about how inaccurate and selfish some of my thoughts can be, but has also opened my eyes to see what a radical and loving God we serve and believe in. I forget this most of the time. God is the giver of life - and He gave and sacrificed more for us than we can ever imagine.

A powerful quote from the book: "We are always the recipients of His great and manifold gifts. Not the givers. Never the givers. David Livingston, a missionary to Africa during the 1800s, once said during a speech to students at Cambridge University: 'People talk about the sacrifice I have made in spending so much of my life in Africa... I never made a sacrifice. We ought not to talk about sacrifice when we remember the great sacrifice which He made who left His Father's throne on high to give Himself for us."

I think God has slowly been showing me how much I have been blessed through 2010. I was convicted of my small faith when I thought back on 2010 and how things were so uncertain, yet God carried me through and provided abundantly. Sure, I don't make a lot of money right now, but it's enough to live on and give a little bit too. He has convicted me to give to friends that are on staff and support others as they do missions work. I know this giving does not always apply to money, but this is one area in my life where I often feel anxious, and I'm constantly reminded that what I am given is not just for me - God provided it. If I had to choose one big lesson I learned during 2010, it's that God has the perfect plan for our lives and He will provide, even when it seems uncertain. Everything in my life belongs to Him, ultimately - my job, my friends, my family, and the list goes on. Everything that I have, I need to learn to hold with an open hand and allow God to reveal His plans in His own timing. Most days, it just takes a reminder that God gave everything for me to knock the "I-just-want-this-for-me" mentality out of my heart sometimes!

Life lessons are tough to learn... but I'm getting there!

Every Season

2011-01-11T16:57:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite songs recently:

I think this song speaks so wonderfully to the fact that as humans, our feelings and heart are fickle. Our emotions swing wildly from joy to sorrow to anger and so on. Sometimes, we simply don't feel like worshipping God. Or even seeking Him.

I know there are times when reaching for my Bible is the last thing on my mind, and the last thing I want to do. There are times (more often than not) that I want to sleep in more rather than have a quiet time and pray.

But God has been reminding me these days that He is a God that does not change... He is always willingly and patiently waiting for us to turn back. Even when we forsake Him and forget His goodness day after day, He waits.

Just like how God has infinite patience for us, we are called to seek Him first, no matter what the season of life we find ourselves in. It's certainly a big challenge for me... but I have been learning a lot these days!

Hope this song speaks to you like it has spoken to me!

Listening for God's Voice

2011-01-09T15:54:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time since I heard God speaking clearly to me - all my fault, not His at all. I haven't been listening for His voice for way too long. Last night, I had a feeling on my heart - I couldn't quite pinpoint it... so I prayed. For the first time in what feels like forever. It felt awkward, praying by myself in the dark... but it felt familiar too. For the first time in months, I actually prayed out loud. And these words came tumbling out:

"Lord, You are supposed to be my first love. Why am I living like You don't matter? I look forward to talking to Jerry, I look forward to talking to best girl friends... when I should be seeking You out each day. You are my first love, but I treat You like You're not even a part of my life."

Oh, how far I've strayed.

I blogged about how my word for this year is HEART. And, oh, how God has honored that in this first week of the new year.

This morning at church, the pastor preached on Matthew 6:25-33. A familiar passage to many:

Do Not Be Anxious

²⁵^(AP) "Therefore I tell you,^(AQ) do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? ²⁶^(AR) Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.^(AS) Are you not of more value than they? ²⁷And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his^(AT) span of life?^[g]²⁸And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin,²⁹yet I tell you,^(AU) even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. ³⁰But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you,^(AV) O you of little faith? ³¹Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' ³²For^(AW) the Gentiles seek after all these things, and^(AX) your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.³³But^(AY) seek first^(AZ) the kingdom of God and his righteousness,^(BA) and all these things will be added to you.

I love how the ESV version uses the word "anxious" instead of "worry." The pastor talked about how we use the words "stressed", "burdened", "overwhelmed", and etc. to describe how we feel... all of which mean the same thing in the end - anxiety.

He described anxiety as this: "Planning your life and making decisions for yourself and completely leaving God out of the equation, as if your life depends on the decisions that you decide are the best for you."

Wow. How often I fall victim to this - planning out my life, planning out my days, trying to micromanage every aspect of my life.

During worship, I again heard God speaking to me: "My daughter, why do you live your life as if your struggles are bigger than what I can handle?"

It really struck me. How had I gotten into this spiritual rut? It was a slow and gradual process - one that I did not want to admit to anyone. But I felt I needed to share this - maybe someone can relate to what I'm feeling and what I've been going through. I have been running away from God instead of towards Him, because I feel like His grace is not enough to cover me. Which is completely the opposite of what His word says. I'm relearning the meaning of GRACE - I feel this will be another word that I will be focusing on this year as well.

God is a radical God. And He pours out radical grace on us. He desires for me (and all of you) to run towards Him in times of struggle. I have spent enough time running the opposite way - God is calling me back to Himself. Time to be changed on the heart level.

One Word for 2011

2011-01-06T04:44:00.000-08:00

The author of one of my favorite blogs, Grit and Glory, Alece, started doing "One Word" last year. Her word was "risk." The entire year she meditated on this word and it drove her to take risks in her life where God was calling her. I decided to join her (and other bloggers) this year, and choose one word that I would focus on this year, in 2011. After much thought... I chose:

Heart.

I've been learning so much about God's unconditional grace this year, and I'm still learning this every day. God is not a God of performance - He does not desire that we spend one hour each day reading the Bible, for example, if the motivation behind us reading is not out of love and obedience but instead out of obligation. Too long I have lived my life in fear of God, and not godly fear - fear that if I mess up He will no longer love me or if I don't do my quiet times, I am a "bad" Christian. I want to see God radically work in my heart this year, to break down those lies that I have built around who God is, and to be radically changed on the heart level, and not just on the surface. I want God to break my heart for what breaks His, and to revive my passion for social justice. There's so much more to write, but I know I'll be sharing about how God is changing my heart this year.

Did anyone make any resolutions this year? If you had to choose a word to define this year, what would your word be?

Creativity

2011-01-03T16:38:00.000-08:00

I recently purchased this book on Amazon (click here to get it!). I got it because I love being creative - I love making things and coming up with new ways to do things... but I have simply just not been nurturing my own creativity these days. Call it busy, call it lazy... I just don't know. I just haven't really been in the mindset to be creative myself (even though I encourage it in my students everyday!) I haven't decided what one thing I want to creatively pursue this year - I want to do something everyday for an entire year. Maybe it will be a new blog... just have to decide first what to make/document!

This comes at the perfect time because I'm teaching a photography class this week - and my #1 rule (just behind paying attention and listening to directions)? BE CREATIVE. Hahah. :) I need to relearn this myself as an adult - I feel like adults sometimes lose that joy of creating something...

Happy New Year!

2011-01-02T15:10:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year, everyone! It's hard to believe that 2010 has flown by and we are now in a new year. In some ways, 2010 felt like it went by so fast, but so slow... weird how that happens.

Jerry and I have been engaged for a year! Just a little less than 6 months to go - that in itself feels very weird! In June of this year, we will be married - that's a weird concept to grasp still. Since last week, he has moved out of Baltimore, and is moving into "our" apartment at the end of January. Weird that the place he will be living in is going to be the place where we spend the first year of our marriage or so!

Here are some photos from the break...

We went to a pizza place in Old Town called Red Rocks, and then ended up at a cafe called Buzz Cafe (?). It was a fun time of hanging out, good food, and good company!

New Years Eve at Tom's place. Jerry and half of his side of the wedding party! That's Peter, Da, Jerry, and Tom.

I think this was the first time all of us have been together! I've met everyone individually or as a couple, but not all at the same time. There's Linh and Peter, me and Jerry, Christine and Da, and Irene and Tom!

One of my best girls, Eunice. So glad she was here over break. :)

My fiance and I!

New Years Day brunch in DC. This was my coffee - so cute!

Jerry pouring out his coffee.

it was delicious!

Tom's hot chocolate. Looked heavenly!

This was a yogurt parfait we ordered... wow! Tasted as good as it looked!

My French toast with fresh strawberries.

Tom and Peter and their food!

Peter and Linh :)

Da - new profile picture! :)

Christine!

Yay. :) A good way to start off the new year!

National Tree(s)

2010-12-26T09:43:00.000-08:00

So last night was quite the adventure! Eunice, Jerry, and I cooked a delicious Chinese Christmas dinner and it was sooo yummy. Then we decided to go see the National Tree. I had looked it up and thought it was the one by the Capitol Building... so that's where we ended up first. Parking was great and traffic was wonderful - we got to see the tree when it was quiet and nice outside (although a little cold)!

Playing with longer exposure and writing an "M" with the star at the top!

Since we were out anyway, we decided to go see the tree at the White House. We realized upon arriving that THIS was the National Tree, not the other one. But hey, we got to see both of them. :) There were many more people here!

This tree looks more "fake" for some reason... I think it's the shape?

Washington Monument in the distance.

White House! :)

They had a ring of 50 smaller trees - one for each state.

For my dad - he's a big fan of trains.

Beautiful!

We found the tree for Michigan!

Kisses!

All in all, a fun Christmas with two beautiful trees. :) Jerry and I are talking about making this a tradition whenever we are in the DC area for Christmas in the future! It was a ton of fun.

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-25T13:31:00.000-08:00

Hi all! Merry Christmas! :) I hope everyone who's reading this is with loved ones today - no matter if it's friends or family, or both!

I am lucky to be with one of my best girls, Eunice, and my wonderful fiance, Jerry, during this holiday season. We have lounged around all day, ate a delicious (and big!) breakfast, watched Despicable Me, and I've spent some time reading The Cross-Centered Life by C.J. Mahaney. Wonderful read, btw. Got it last night at the Covenant Life Church Christmas Eve service (which was wonderful, btw)! It was really great to sing Christmas songs and be reminded of the wonderful miracle that happened many, many years ago.

Jerry and I decided this year, instead of writing New Years' Resolutions, we would pick one word that we want to meditate on and that will define 2011. A post coming up about that soon!

We're going to see the Christmas tree at the Capitol Building tonight. Will post some photos later!

Homesick

2010-12-22T17:48:00.000-08:00

I guess you can't possibly understand it fully unless you've been in our shoes. I say "our" as in... those of us whose homes are overseas. Holidays are usually too short to go home - days like Thanksgiving and Christmas, when you're working, don't really mean breaks like they did when we were in school. Those of us who are here alone, even those with a significant other... when those holidays roll around, there's still a sense of longing to go home, to be with loved ones, to be with family.

How do you explain to someone that home is "too far" to travel to for the break? That home is a 20+ plane ride home? How do you explain when people look at you, confused? "Where is Taiwan again?" "Where are you spending the holidays?" "Does your family celebrate Christmas?" "Will friends be here to celebrate with you?" Well-meaning and caring questions from colleagues this morning. I usually don't let myself think about home too much, and I have adapted and grown in the five years I've been in the States since leaving Taiwan for school, but no matter how old I get, it is still hard around the holidays. I have lots of friends and am blessed to spend this Christmas break with one of my best friends and my fiance, but a little part of me still longs for home.

That feeling will always be there, I think... it will get easier, but it will always be there.

Four Months

2010-12-20T18:12:00.000-08:00

Second quarter is coming to an end for me. With one more day left (plus a teacher work day on Wednesday)... it's hard to believe that I have been teaching for about 4 months! ELMAC still feels like it was yesterday, but as I look back, I have grown a lot as well. These four months have been challenging, interesting, funny and hilarious at times, and heartbreaking at times. There have been major triumphs and "Yes, this is it" moments and also moments plagued with doubts of, "Am I doing the right thing? What am I even doing here?"

But for every doubt, there has been an eternal promise from God: "As long as you serve me faithfully one day at a time, I'll take care of the rest."

God has carried me through the past four months, and I have matured and grown and been challenged. I look forward to Christmas break, for some rest and relaxation, for my photography class in January, and for the things that 2011 will bring! :)

Snow in VA

2010-12-16T11:26:00.000-08:00

Looks like I got my wish for some snow!

It started snowing today at around 9:00 AM, just as I was heading out to get my headlight replaced and new hubcaps put on (lost the back two on the drive down from Michigan). It was just a "dusting" of snow, as I would call it, but by the time I drove out to the car place, it had started coming down pretty steadily. Car stuff went quickly (thankfully!) and I had made plans to go to H-Mart to pick up groceries since Jerry's mom is coming tomorrow (and we barely had anything left in the fridge).

Probably not the best decision, but I was pretty determined to go. We also had a holiday party for staff at school today, and I wanted to bring something for people to eat. So I went. The way there was okay, but I noticed that the snow was coming down even more heavily than before.

By the time I finished grocery shopping, my car was covered in snow. The drive back, which usually takes 10-15 minutes, took an hour, and I almost slid into a sidewalk while attempting to stop at a red light. I saw 3 accidents on the way home and a sportscar sliding backwards on the road. The whole time I was driving, I was gripping the steering wheel and just praying that God would allow me to get home safely.

Back in my apartment, safe and warm. I hope the roads are all plowed by tomorrow!

Surreal

2010-12-10T07:03:00.000-08:00

When my mom and sister were here over Thanksgiving break, we took a Segway tour around DC. Despite it being freezing cold after 3 hours outside, I did manage to take some awesome photos of the monuments/buildings around DC. Sometimes, it still feels surreal that I'm living just 5 miles from our nation's capital! :)

Snippets

2010-12-08T16:01:00.000-08:00

More than ever, now that I am a teacher, I have found myself in times when I am simply exhausted (mentally... and sometimes physically) and wondering, "What more can I do? I've tried x y and z and nothing is sticking." There are times when I feel like the hill in front of my students is as big as Mount Everest... we have so much work to do before they are where they need to be. And yet, I look at them, and when I teach them, I am filled with so much joy. Every small success is a step forward, and they know it too - when I smile, they smile and feel good about themselves. So much of the job is building a child up - how can I teach them all that I can, push them to succeed, and give them the confidence they need to keep trying?

I think that's why I love working with children. In them, I see such resiliency - most of them are not afraid to try, and it's okay if you make mistakes. I tell my kids everyday, "You have to give it a try - it's okay if you don't get it right, that's why Ms. Pan is here, to help you learn." They know that after being with me for the past 3 months - "Ms. Pan is here to help you!" Hahaha. :) Anyway, on the other hand, I have seen some of my students who are at the verge of giving up, at the young age of 6. Imagine this - you are sitting in a classroom, where you don't understand the language, where the teacher is giving directions but you have no idea what you're supposed to do. Day by day, this is your life - how would you feel?

I think I'd be so frustrated and I would give up, in those circumstances.

But I don't see that in my students. Even when it's hard to communicate and I resort to silly gestures and pictures, they are eager to learn and eager to please. I always tell them, though, that their learning to read/speak is not for me, it's for them. It's for their future. I have felt completely overwhelmed by the responsibility that has been given to me, but I think I can sleep each night knowing that each day, I am doing what I can.

Today, a student was able to recognize 16 letters as opposed to two weeks ago, when he recognized just 9. Small steps, small victories - we will get there, together.

And I'm enjoying every minute of the journey!

Another Year

2010-12-05T14:46:00.000-08:00

Friday was my 24th birthday. I spent the day catching up on TV shows, listening to some good music on Youtube, hanging out with Jerry in Old Town, and having dinner with old and new friends at TGIF. It was a really fun day, and I also had some time to reflect on how my 23rd year has been.

This year has been joyous and tough in many aspects. For one, I got engaged a year ago on my birthday. It was fun to re-watch Jerry's proposal video and feel all those excited emotions flow through me again. At the same time, becoming engaged to Jerry came with newfound responsibilities and it really defined our lives. We were no longer just Jerry and Mel, pursuing our callings from God as a dating couple - we were now Jerry and Mel, pursuing our calling from God as a couple that would be married soon. It was scary and yet refreshing, but it did come with its own set of challenges.

I guess you could say for a part of 2010, Jerry and I were living the charmed life - I was doing well in grad school, loving teaching, and he had a wonderful job and was making a decent salary. We were happily engaged and it seemed like life was perfect - everything was going right.

Until June 2010, when Jerry lost his job.

This sent us into 4 months of uncertainty - would we have to postpone the wedding? I didn't have a job at the time either, and had only really looked to go to Maryland, where Jerry was. But God was not giving any clear answers. The only thing I knew at times was that I needed to be with him - wherever that may be. That was so scary - having faith that God had a plan but having to make decisions not really knowing what that plan was yet. It was like driving through the rain - you can kind of see where you're going but at the same time, just trusting that God had our lives in His hands.

And He did.

I've learned a lot this year about trust and having faith - God led us through a period of time where we were uncertain whether we would have enough financially for another month, but through that He also taught us important money lessons about what it is you really need to survive. And in the end, we still had each other, and we learned to be content with what we had. These are just some of the lessons we've learned this year that I know will benefit us greatly in the future!

I am looking forward to what this next year is going to bring - I'm sure it will be challenging but good in stretching our faith as we get older. God has been there directing each step, and I'm sure He will continue to do so. :) I had a wonderful birthday, and I'm looking forward to reflecting on this upcoming year!

God's Purpose For Me

2010-11-11T08:30:00.000-08:00

I wrote in my journal this week (finally got back to actually journalling regularly):

Teaching is such an emotional rollercoaster - one day things go great and one day my best laid-out plans just bomb. Admist the trials, though, there is joy - like the little boy today who told me, "Ms. Pan, I am handsome!" and of course, all the hugs. I hope I never lose sight of why I love kids and love teaching. I hope I never lose my passion.

During my quiet time yesterday, I read an inspiring quote from Oswald Chambers:

"If you seek great things for yourself, you barricade God from using you. As long as you maintain your own personal interests and ambitions you cannot be completely aligned and identified with God's image."

Wow. Something that I'm constantly learning these days is that it's not about me - it's not about how well I teach a lesson or how perfectly I plan out a lesson plan. All those things are important and good, but what's more important is that my students see God and His love through me. Am I being completely open to being used by God at school each day? Some days, I feel like I'm just getting by, and trying to appear like the perfect teacher. But my imperfections hit me everyday - I'm constantly thinking about how I could do better, teach better, love better, and the list goes on. Sometimes, it's exhausting.

But God does not call for perfection - He calls for a trusting heart. And some days, when I'm weary and tired, He reminds me that He only requires that I trust Him and give Him my "perfect" plans and He will take care of the rest.

This goes on to the rest of the things in my life as well, but God has been showing me a lot through my work at school. It's very humbling but also has stretched my faith a lot and helped me to grow. Please keep teaching me, Lord!

Finding a Confident Voice

2010-10-27T14:56:00.001-07:00

You all know me - I am not a confrontational person at all. In the past, I have tried to avoid conflict because I hated feeling uncomfortable, hated putting others on the spot, and didn't want to speak up.

In short, I didn't really have a voice. I was not confident in myself, and thus, I stayed quiet. Except those who really, really knew me would I reveal a bit of what I was feeling.

College changed that, a little bit. I was able to develop self-confidence and find worth in the feelings that I had and the things I had to say. Grad school pushed me even further to open up and share my thoughts, and I was amazed when people thought that what I had to say was brilliant. I was encouraged by classmates and professors to share more. That was when I realized that maybe I was starting to develop a voice.

Now that I am a teacher, I'm realizing more and more how big a role I play in advocating for my students. I teach students who are deemed "low-performing" and "needing services." Some of the issues are language related, and some are not. I have been finding that when I hear others talking badly about my students, I get defensive inside. It's almost like a motherly instinct. I've realized that a big part of my job is pushing for my students to get the interventions that they need, and to deliver all that I have in my teaching to help them succeed. I am still learning how to use my voice when it is needed, and to not be afraid.

I was greatly encouraged this morning when an older teacher today told me, "I was so impressed that you had the courage to tell me my mistake, and I really appreciate that. You are such a fast learner!" Inside, I was laughing a bit - it took me forever to write that email, and I was so scared of what was going to happen! But for the sake of my students, uncomfortableness and all, I sent it anyway, and things worked out. :) Small victories everyday!

Finding a Confident Voice

2010-10-27T14:55:00.000-07:00

You all know me - I am not a confrontational person at all. In the past, I have tried to avoid conflict because I hated feeling uncomfortable, hated putting others on the spot, and didn't want to speak up.

In short, I didn't really have a voice. I was not confident in myself, and thus, I stayed quiet. Except those who really, really knew me would I reveal a bit of what I was feeling.

College changed that, a little bit. I was able to develop self-confidence and find worth in the feelings that I had and the things I had to say. Grad school pushed me even further to open up and share my thoughts, and I was amazed when people thought that what I had to say was brilliant. I was encouraged by classmates and professors to share more. That was when I realized that maybe I was starting to develop a voice.

Now that I am a teacher, I'm realizing more and more how big a role I play in advocating for my students. I teach students who are deemed "low-performing" and "needing services." Some of the issues are language related, and some are not. I have been finding that when I hear others talking badly about my students, I get defensive inside. It's almost like a motherly instinct. I've realized that a big part of my job is pushing for my students to get the interventions that they need, and to deliver all that I have in my teaching to help them succeed. I am still learning how to use my voice when it is needed, and to not be afraid.

I was greatly encouraged this morning when an older teacher today told me, "I was so impressed that you had the courage to tell me my mistake, and I really appreciate that. You are such a fast learner!" Inside, I was laughing a bit - it took me forever to write that email, and I was so scared of what was going to happen! But for the sake of my students, I sent it anyway, and things worked out. :) Small victories everyday!

Thoughts

2010-10-20T15:29:00.000-07:00

"After each failure, ask forgiveness, pick yourself up, and try again. Very often what God first helps us towards is not the virtue itself but just this power of always trying again. For however important chastity (or courage, or truthfulness, or any other virtue) may be, this process trains us in habits of the soul which are more important still. It cures our illusions about ourselves and teaches us to depend on God. We learn, on the one hand, that we cannot trust ourselves even in our best moments, and, on the other, that we need not despair even in our worst, for our failures are forgiven. The only fatal thing is to sit down content with anything less than perfection."

~ C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

Wow. Just what I needed to hear today.

As a teacher, I seek to do my very best job to teach all of my kids and push ALL of my students to succeed. In the ideal world with adequate time, I think I could achieve this goal. I constantly have to remind myself that my job is not to come in and save all my kids - my job is to pour my life and my energy and love of teaching into these children, giving them every opportunity I can in my power to help them succeed. However, the reality is... I can't do that. I don't have enough time, I don't have enough resources, I simply don't know enough. My best laid plans sometimes flop, and the things I want to get to just don't get done sometimes. Teaching ESL often feels to me like being a fish out of water - most of my masters training was done in a mainstream classroom teaching kids poetry, for example. Trying to teach students who don't speak any English is quite difficult, if not frustrating at times.

But each day I go to school, I'm reminded of why I'm here. I often prayed, "God, please just let me teach where I am most needed." He knew I was ready for this job, despite my complaints about not being ready and not knowing enough. He knew that this is where I'm most needed, at this time in my life and in these kids' lives. Despite my discomfort, I can offer them my energy and zeal for life - as can be demonstrated today (here's a fun story for you all): I was teaching a poem, "The Fuzzy Caterpillar" to a group of students. To teach vocabulary, I had all the students stand and do motions - they were essentially acting out the poem. "Everyone, spin a cocoon!" (all the students would spin) We all dissolved into a puddle of giggles and it was a blast, not to mention a ton of fun AND they were learning vocabulary!

I know the road ahead of me this year is a challenging one, but each day I have just enough strength to make it through. It's almost like God is reminding me - "Hey, I brought you here, and I gave you this place - I know what I'm doing." Each day is a challenge for me to trust and just know that ultimately, God is in control. I am learning and absorbing all that I can so I can do my job better, and my hope is to go full-time next year, although I really see why God didn't give me that at this time. Having to plan a wedding among Jerry being unemployed and figuring out our lives together (another praise: Jerry was hired in DC! He started work this week! Another post for another day)... it would have been too much to handle. I'm glad I am part time now, despite not making a whole lot, because I am learning to budget my money and have some extra time to rest and absorb all that I am learning and doing each day.

It's been glorious and it's been rough, but I am loving my students everyday. They make everything worth it!

Building Relationships

2010-09-30T11:03:00.000-07:00

It's about a month since I moved to Alexandria, and it's been a really nice time, for the most part! I feel more settled in now and am slowly learning my way around. I've also learned a lot about myself in this time when I started my new job and moved to a new place. More specifically... I've learned how hard it is to build meaningful and long-lasting relationships.

Now, I know it's only been one month, but sometimes it has been pretty lonely. A lot of the people I've met here are friends of my roommate from her college, and that has been wonderful, but at the same time, I don't know them as well. I've gone to church a few times, and the young adult fellowship once, and it's just felt strange. I know it's the introvert in me - I get kind of overwhelmed in big groups of people - but I can't help but feel a bit lost. Coming from a big school like Michigan and knowing so many faces on campus, it's really been a while since I had to be the "new kid" and put myself out there to really initiate and get to know others. Part of me desires to find community and get really plugged in, but the other part of me is scared and doesn't want to make that effort. I know that God called me here not just for a job - there has to be some other reason as well.

I'm reading the book that Knox was reading together this summer - "Relationships: A Mess Worth Making" by David Lane and Paul Tripp. How fitting, right? :) Anyway, it's been really good thinking about why God calls us to be in community - we need to live life with others and share in the joys and the sorrows with one another.

Even though making the effort scares me a little, I will have to push myself to do better in this area of my life!

hello from Alexandria, VA!

2010-09-18T06:53:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone! So I'm not sure who still reads this... but I'm back! I know I didn't blog much at all this year. Grad school was a crazy whirlwind - it was long but yet too short. I have finished my Masters degree in a year, and it still feels surreal how that all happened, haha. :) After I finished my program, I went to Baltimore for a month, intending to look for a teaching job in Maryland. But I realized in the process that God has His plans for us... and it's not quite what we think is best for ourselves.

This whole year, Jerry and I had planned for me to move out as soon as my program was done... hopefully with a job lined up. Well, I started my job search early (in Feb-April) and attended all the job fairs I could (including one in Baltimore over spring break). Despite my best efforts and after many interviews (I think I had a total of 13...), nothing had come up by the time my program ended. During the month of June, Jerry also lost his job. This put is in a really awkward limbo situation - was I still going to try and stay in the area? I went and visited him anyway, because we hadn't had the chance to spend a lot of time together this year anyway.

One of my interview was for an ESL teacher position in Alexandria, VA. We had driven through Alexandria before, but my interview there was my first time going there by myself (Jerry was traveling all over for other interviews as well at the time). This interview came during mid-August. I didn't expect much out of it, partially because I didn't know a whole lot about the place, had no connections, and more. The interview went well, but I didn't get my hopes up - the whole process had been so disappointing anyway. At that point, I think I had already lost hope and resigned myself to the fact that I would probably have no job in the coming year, at least.

Little did I know... two days later, I was offered the position! It's a part-time position, but it's a way of getting into a district. I just finished up my second week, and am loving it! It has been challenging in many ways - I am working with students from K-4, so it's been different having to adjust the way I talk to my kindergarteners and to my fourth graders. The language barrier has been interesting - some of my students have assumed that I spoke Spanish (??) and spoke Spanish to me... only to have me say, "I'm sorry, I don't speak Spanish - try to say it in English!" Despite all the challenges, though, there have been many small successes that make each challenging day worth it. The more I teach and the more I get to know my students, the more I realize that this is exactly where God wanted me and where I am most needed. During the job search, my constant prayer was this: "Lord, I became a teacher because You called me to. Bring me to a place where I am most needed, and I will teach anyone that needs it." As I look into my students' faces, I am humbled by the amazing opportunity I have to change a life - to either build up or tear down - and amazed at the huge responsibility I have to advocate for each of my students.

As one of the more seasoned ESL teachers said at orientation - "Teach these students as if they were your own kids." I think that was pretty powerful, and I hope I will continue to grow and do so in the coming year!

Another way that God has been faithfully taking care of me is in my housing situation. One of Eunice's best friends from college, Evangeline, recently moved to Alexandria for a special ed job at another elementary school. The day of my interview, we met up afterward to chat, and it was great. After I found out I got the job, I asked her if she knew anyone who needed a roommate. Her housing situation didn't work out, so we ended up living together! We have a nice and great apartment, and it really does feel more and more like home. I am so blessed. :)

I miss all of you in Michigan and at home... hope everyone is doing well and I hope to update this more frequently from now on. :)

Life

2010-05-09T17:00:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged as much as I would've liked this year. Graduation was last Saturday. Graduated again, same place (Big House!), different degree, different friends to sit with. Amazing speaker (Obama!) and friends came out to support when parents could not be here. It was a whirlwind and crazy fun.

Jerry and I took our engagement photos last week. This month marks the fact that we've been engaged 5 months. I can still remember the day it happened, clear as if it was yesterday. Here's to 1 more year of waiting!!

Our friends Lily and Ryan got married yesterday. It was a beautiful, simple ceremony. What got to me most was how they looked at each other - it was apparent to us how much they loved each other and how far they have come. I couldn't be happier for them. It was also the first wedding where I was a second-shooter to Betsy! We were exhausted by the end, but so happy with the results. Pictures to come soon. :)

Life has been interesting with job searching. I have had 3 interviews so far, and right now, it's a waiting game. It's so hard being patient with God's will - what does He want for me and where does He want me? I keep telling God that I'll go where He leads - but will I really? What if He leads me somewhere where I'm not comfortable? Will I still be faithful?

3 more months of school, and then it's likely that I'll be saying goodbye to Ann Arbor... said bye to a few underclassmen friends today and already felt my heart hurting a little. It's going to be different living somewhere else for sure.

Lessons to learn...

God in Teaching

2010-03-24T19:27:00.001-07:00

God has been revealing so much of Himself to me through the eyes of the children I see everyday in my class and through my relationships with them. He has taught me how to be more patient and to love more, even when I feel like I don't have any more to give.

More on that tomorrow. :) Got a good post coming up!

insecurity

2010-02-11T14:48:00.000-08:00

I'm currently reading Beth Moore's newest book, "So Long Insecurity." It's been a wonderful read, and I'm thankful to my fiance (!!) Jerry who bought it for me after hearing about how I wanted to get it. He really knows me. :)

Anyway, the first chapter was on insecurity in relationship with others. This is something I've always struggled with - what others think of me, what they say about me, how well-liked I am, etc. It's been a work in progress over the years, and while I can say that I've grown tremendously, the insecurity is still there.

I was reminded of this in my classroom today when my CT exclaimed to a usually well-behaved student that she was not pleased with the students' behavior today. This little girl is the sweetest and most timid little girl - so sweet but so quiet, if you know what I mean. She completely crumbled. She was sobbing at her desk as the rest of the class was going through their work, so I called her over to my desk. I knew that she was crying because of what the teacher said - it broke her. And she reminded me of myself at that age. I remember wanting to please my teachers so much... any little negativity I felt from them broke me.

The same way a harsh word from a friend broke me.

The same way a "look" from someone made me question my self-worth.

I asked her if what the teacher said had hurt her. She nodded yes.

I explained to her that it wasn't that the teacher was mad at her but rather, she knew she could do better.

She nodded, went back to her seat, and continued to cry. I called her over again and gave her a hug.

Before the students were dismissed for the day, she had stopped crying, but still was so sad. I stopped her at the door and told her it was okay to be sad for now, but that tomorrow I wanted to see her smiling face again. She nodded and left quietly.

At such a young age... so much value is placed on acceptance, self-worth, self-esteem. If only we could all learn that we are precious and however someone else views us, it doesn't matter...

So much easier said than done, huh?

Random Thoughts

2010-01-24T12:48:00.000-08:00

Sorry, I've neglected this blog for a long time... it's not that I don't have anything to say; I think it's quite the opposite... sometimes I have too much to say and I just don't know how to write it all down.

Grad school has been hard this month - we've been back in Ann Arbor and various elementary schools for the past month of January. It's coming down to the last week, and I simply can't wait. I miss my students in Detroit and I know they must have changed so much since the last time I saw them! Kids grow so fast in such a short time.

I started meeting with a lady at Knox for discipleship. It's been wonderful just getting to know each other better and hearing life stories from someone who is significantly older than me. Her and her husband spent 10 years as foster parents, and adopted all their children from the foster care system. It's something I've been thinking about pretty regularly lately. Watching/hearing stories about adoption and foster care tug at my heart in a very special way - I can't quite describe it. I've talked about it with Jerry - might this be a possibility in our life together? Only God knows. But I do know this week I spent hours watching news from Haiti, and my heart was broken again and again as I saw the damage and the lives that are forever changed. Lord, You said You will bring healing - the world needs it and the world needs it now. When is the healing going to pour down like rain, like You promised?

Laura Story - Grace

2010-01-24T12:44:00.000-08:00

My heart is so proud. My mind is so unfocused.

I see the things You do through me as great things I have done.

And now You gently break me, then lovingly

You take me and hold me as my father and mold me as my maker.

Chorus:

I ask you: "How many times will you pick me up, when I keep on letting you down?

And each time I will fall short of Your glory, how far will forgiveness abound?"

And you answer: " My child, I love you.

And as long as you're seeking My face, You'll walk in the pow'r of My daily sufficient grace."

At times I may grow weak and feel a bit discouraged,

knowing that someone, somewhere could do a better job.

For who am I to serve You? I know I don't deserve You.

And that's the part that burns in my heart and keeps me hanging on.

Chorus*

I ask you: "How many times will you pick me up, when I keep on letting you down?

And each time I will fall short of Your glory, how far will forgiveness abounds?"

And you answer: " My child, I love you.

And as long as you're seeking My face, You'll walk in the pow'r of My daily sufficient grace."

You are so patient with me, Lord.

As I walk with You, I'm learning what Your grace really means.

The price that I could never pay was paid at Calvary.

So, instead of trying to repay You, I'm learning to simply obey You

by giving up my life to you For all that You've given to me.

Chorus:

I ask you: "How many times will you pick me up, when I keep on letting you down?

And each time I will fall short of Your glory, how far will forgiveness abounds?"

And you answer: " My child, I love you.

And as long as you're seeking My face, You'll walk in the pow'r of My daily sufficient grace."

Home

2009-12-21T18:29:00.000-08:00

It's good to be home.

It took me around 24 hours to get home this time. And what an adventure it was...

I was scheduled to leave Detroit on 12/18 at 9 AM. Betsy picked me up early and sent me off to the airport. I got through security quickly, and bought a book, a few magazines, and a cup of coffee at the airport. I read for about an hour and went to board my flight. 9 AM came around. We didn't board. 10:15... hmm, I am almost about to miss my connecting flight in Chicago... at this point, no one told us what was going on. Then,

"Sorry all passengers, the plane is experiencing mechanical difficulties that we cannot fix at this point. This flight is now cancelled."

What?! So now there was a scramble to rebook all flights at the counter, and only one American Airlines lady there to help .She passed out phone numbers for customer service, and I spent another hour trying to rebook my ticket. They finally found me a ticket, but I had to stay overnight in Tokyo, and I had to leave a day late.

At this point, I was doing pretty good managing the stressful situation. But as I heard that that was all they could do, I almost lost it. After confirming everything with the ticketing lady, I walked out of the airport and lost it. Luckily, I called Irene and she was able to come pick me up. I just felt so disappointed and just stressed - I was so tired too, so that probably added to the mixed emotions. Happy that I wasn't on a flight that was broken... but sad that I would miss two days with my family.

The next day, Irene sent me off to the airport. It had snowed during the night, and it was so early that the streets of Ann Arbor were not yet plowed... luckily, we got to the airport with time to spare. Went through security again, and waited at my gate. Our plane took off on time, but when we got to Chicago, we had to wait 40 minutes because the flights were backed up and a bunch of planes had not left the gate yet (they had to de-ice all the planes - by this time, it was snowing heavily outside). Many of the people on my flight missed their connecting flights... by God's grace, I made it out with time to spare.

The real miracle was when I got to Japan, there was a lady waiting for me as I got off the plane. She told me that that morning, they had booked me a flight to Taipei that night. She asked me if that was okay, and I had a huge smile on my face as I told her, "Of course!"

She had no idea how relieved I was.

I found a phone that took credit card, and excitedly called my parents. 4 hours later, I was home.

It was a long journey... but it's so good to be back again. :)

Nothing quite beats coming home.

Best Birthday Ever :)

2009-12-04T00:33:00.000-08:00

When Jerry moved out to Baltimore, one of the first things we did, believe it or not, was check out all the special dates on the calendar and see if they fell on a weekend or time when one of us could fly out to visit the other.

Labor Day? Check.
Fall Break? Check.
Anniversary? Check.
Thanksgiving? Yes.
Christmas? Maybe (until I decided to go home).
My birthday? Nope, on a Thursday.

We knew for a long time that Jerry would not be spending my birthday with me - the first time in the past 4 birthdays I've had. Admittedly, I was sad and a little disappointed. More sad, though, that he would not be with me. When he left during this past Thanksgiving holiday, we made promises to see each other after winter break, and I drove home with tears rolling down my cheeks after dropping him off at the airport.

"Stay strong," he told me.

Before he left, though, Jerry bought me a cake to celebrate with me at Pizza House. Tiffany and Maggie lit all 23 candles, and my wish was, "I hope Jerry can spend my birthday with me in some way." Because that's how much birthdays mean to both of us - they're always a really special time. :) Anyway...

Since Jerry moved out to Baltimore, we've been talking about marriage. We knew after about three years of dating that we knew each other and accepted each other despite all the flaws we had (and still have) and we wanted to make the next step. We didn't know when or where, but we have gone through so much in the time that we dated that we knew that we had found "the one". A couple months ago, Jerry called my parents to ask for their permission. I knew that this day was coming, but I had no idea when.

My birthday started off like any other. My mom woke me up, I talked with my parents for about an hour. My dad, after wishing me a happy birthday, asked me, "Is there anything special?"

"No, just school stuff."

"Oh, okay!"

I didn't think anything of it then, but my dad had almost given away the surprise. I ate breakfast, watched Gossip Girl, and went to lunch with 3 of my awesome ELMAC friends. Had a great time and got a free dessert at Pizza House which we all shared (it was huge!). Anyway, by this time I was really antsy. Jerry told me that he had mailed me something, but I checked the mailbox all morning and got nothing. As I headed home again, still nothing. Hmmm. I called him, and got annoyed because he hadn't called me. I didn't know this, but he had gone to work at 6 AM that morning so he could leave and get on the plane to Michigan. But because I didn't know this, I was annoyed, and hurt that my boyfriend didn't plan well enough to have something sent to me in time. We didn't talk much all day, because he said he was "busy" (leaving work, getting on a plane, getting to AA, etc.). Anyway...

So I went to my joint birthday dinner with Gloria (who's 23 now too! Yay!) and all was good - I had a really good time with everyone who came. Brian and Irene were late - Irene told me her pharmacy rotation had ended late, when it actually had ended at 3. They were late because they went to pick Jerry up at the airport... anyway, so Irene left, and Brian left as well, saying he had to go meet a "friend." The girls and I who were left (Glo, Steph, Shannon) went to Momo Tea to hang out (Irene had come back by this time, so she was there too... she later told me she had come to see where I was and to keep track of me).

After hanging out until around 10 PM Irene, Gloria, and I headed home. As we were walking, Irene got a call from Brian, and then asked me, "Can Brian come see your apartment? I've been telling him how cute it is."

"Sure..." Seemed kind of random, but okay!

So after we parted ways with Gloria, we cleaned up my apartment a little bit, and Brian called to say he was here, so Irene went to get him. A few minutes later, I heard a knock at the door.

"Come in!"

The door opened... but it wasn't Irene. It was JERRY.

When I saw that it was Jerry!

"What are you doing here?! Oh my gosh... (x20). I can't believe you're here!"

After a couple hugs and more squeals from me, Jerry explained that he had come as "my birthday surprise." He later told me the mail thing was to throw me off from suspecting anything. :) Anyway... after a few more hugs, he said he had another gift for me. And he pulled out a ring box.

I'm looking at Irene like, "Is this really happening?!"

Jerry got down on one knee and asked me, "Will you marry me?" (except he was so nervous it came out like willyoumarryme?)

It fits!

Just seconds after. So happy!

After we all hugged and celebrated for a couple minutes, it still felt really surreal. But it was perfect for me and even though Jerry was so nervous, he was wonderful and totally surprised me. Brian and Irene prayed for us at the end, and it was so sweet of them. (Thanks, guys!!)

He did a good job picking this out by himself. :)

Thanks for reading! We're so grateful for all the support and encouragement you all have given us along the journey and up to this big moment. Praise God for blessing us so abundantly!! We look forward to what life has in store for us next!

4 Years :)

2009-11-15T14:22:00.000-08:00

Melting Pot, Nov. 14th, 2009

I still remember that night you came over to Newberry and asked me out. We were so young back then - just 18 and 20. Now, we're 22 and 24 (almost 23 and 25!). I can't believe the difference - back then, I just felt blessed that I had found someone I could talk to so honestly about everything. Four years later, that has not changed at all. I feel at home with you - you understand my every expression and change in mood, and you love me despite all the flaws I have. Despite my insecurities, you've built me up and spoken God's love into my life when I needed to hear it. You don't hesitate to say the hard things and you've helped me grow so much.

I'm so lucky to have you. Here's to (God willing) many more years and celebrations together. :)

2009-11-08T05:34:00.000-08:00

"The Lord looks upon your heart because it is the fountain of your life. Your heart is the core of your personality consisting of will, emotions, mind, and affections. It is the seat of government. What reigns there rules you. What fills your heart flows from your life. Transformation of your heart must take place for your life to change. How does this happen? It happens by the operation of the Holy Spirit using the Word of God. With a wholly yielded life you give yourself to meditating on the Word of God, praying for its truth to be revealed to your inner man, and obeying it in faith through all the circumstances of life. It is a process that sometimes seems painfully slow, but it is certain if you do your part because your Heavenly Father wants it for you more than you want it."

--- excerpt from today's entry from A Disciple's Notebook

*****

I thought this was really poignant because I have found myself praying to God, "My heart wants one thing but my mind knows what's right - help me to stick to what's right." While this is true at times, I think the way the author put this is also true - what fills our hearts flows from our lives. So however we live our lives, our hearts will be like that as well. Hard to wrap my mind around it, but it makes so much sense. We all know what's right in our minds - but a true transformation of the heart and all its crevices only comes through intimacy and truly knowing and loving God day by day, and praying He will do so! :)

Will you join me in praying for a heart transformation today?

Refining Fire

2009-10-09T05:21:00.000-07:00

Constantly being refined, broken down, rebuilt again these days.

This heart is weary. But full to the brim with hope.

The Lord sees every facet of my brokeness, and loves me anyway.

He washes it all away, like a good long shower washes away the grime and dirt.

And I can stand again. And He's waiting. He loves, but I resist, my heart hardened.

But He works, and He waits.

And I always come back. And He is always there, still waiting for me.

Lord, may I always walk towards you, and never away....

Beginnings

2009-09-14T15:57:00.000-07:00

Classes have started for me this week - feels weird to be sitting in class from 9-4 when I'm now getting used to being in a classroom working with kids. Both are good experiences - I'm learning a lot in my own classes and getting the hands-on experience in the classroom. It's a good balance, but I definitely felt tired today sitting through my own classes - haven't sat in class for about a month! It was so good to see everyone again, though, and catch up on our breaks and our first weeks in our different placements. So many funny stories! :) I laughed so hard during lunch.

****

I attended AIV's first large group last Friday. This was the first year that I missed all of NSO, except for Welcome Back BBQ. I missed Bubble Tea Bash (I made a spontaneous decision to visit Jerry over Labor Day), NCBBQ, doing follow-up, and all that. It was a strange feeling. Here I was, at AIV large group, there but not fully... I don't know how to describe it. It was wonderful, though. The gospel presentation by Grace was humbling and convicting, and I think using a video to show what AIV is was an awesome idea! God certainly is going to do great things through AIV - I know it. :)

However, it also led me to think where my place is now in AIV. Is it still in AIV? Or should I venture out and find another Christian community? With my schedule now, it's hard to know if I'll have time to be in a small group, since I come back from class and work so late. And being in grad school... it kind of gives you a different mentality, if you know what I mean. I don't mean that it's harder to relate to people or anything - it's just different. When Jerry was in grad school the last two years, he would go to AIV with me, but sometimes I could sense he was reluctant. I didn't understand it then, but I totally understand it now. He was often tired on Fridays, and I would get annoyed - "Why can't you just come?" He told me he felt left out a lot of the time, and I didn't understand.

I totally understand now. It's not that AIV is any different - it's such a wonderful place for people to learn and grow as Christians in college. However, I don't know if God is calling me elsewhere, too.

At this point, I've also been reflecting on how I'm in a season of learning and waiting patiently. After this year, who knows where I'll be working? Will it be in Maryland? Will it be across the country, or overseas? So many questions I think about everyday, and God has been teaching me to be still and trust in Him. He already knows, so I have nothing to worry about.

****

Jerry and I have been going through a devotional for dating couples. We bought it last year, but didn't get through it, so we renewed our commitment to go through it together and to get through it, diligently. It's a discipline we both need to grow in - to get something done together. We're now on the fourth week and it's been wonderful. Each week has a topic. The first week was love, the second week was grace, and the third week was prayer. We've both been reminded of God's amazing grace -- His grace for us is everyday, and it's constant. I think it's something I often forget - I often see God as an angry father, and I see how I've disappointed Him. Through conversations with Jerry and reading this book, God has revealed Himself to me in ways that I've needed to see Him again. In last week's topic on prayer, I decided to challenge myself to pray more.

I began to pray on the way to work. It takes me about an hour to drive to Detroit in the mornings - a perfect time for uninterrupted prayer! So instead of popping in a CD like I usually do, I started to pray. It felt awkward and super long at first, but I kept going, and I would end up being able to pray for 20 minutes or more and it also challenged me to listen to God. On Friday morning, I was able to see the most beautiful sunrise (haha, I get up so early now...). The clouds were pink and looked like cotton candy - wish I could've taken a picture! But it was a cool reminder that God's beauty is everywhere - we just have to be open and available to see it! I've been able to pray for all these things on my heart and people that I care about more consistently than I have in a while, and I hope I can continue to do so!

beautiful song :)

2009-09-14T15:56:00.000-07:00

$14

2009-08-29T13:37:00.000-07:00

I've gathered inspiration from this blog Grace sent to me: Thirty Bucks a Week.

It's challenged me to live simpler and make healtheir choices in the food I buy.

Today I went to the Farmer's Market in Kerrytown and gave myself a budget of $20 to spend. I spent around $14.

$5 - a bag of string beans, a bag of peppers, and a bag of brocolli
$2 - two large zucchini
$1 - a big head of garlic (and it smelled so strongly - unlike the garlic you get at a supermarket! Can't wait to try it!)
$3.89 - butter
$2.49 - a big bag of basil fettucini

Hopefully this will last me a week. I was pleased at how much I could buy with so little, and also happy to be supporting local farmers. It's also just so fun to walk among rows and rows of fresh veggies and fruits and pick out what you want! :)

Until next week!

repeat

2009-08-20T12:17:00.000-07:00

Nichole Nordeman - Legacy

I don't mind if you've got something nice to say about me
And I enjoy an accolade like the rest
You could take my picture and hang it in a gallery
Of all who's who and so-n-so's that used to be the best
At such'n'such ... it wouldn't matter much

I won't lie, it feels alright to see your name in lights
We all need an 'Atta boy' or 'Atta girl'
But in the end I'd like to hang my hat on more besides
The temporary trappings of this world

I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who
blessed your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy

I don't have to look too far or too long awhile
To make a lengthly list of all that I enjoy
It's an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile
Where moth and rust, thieves and such will soon enough destroy

Not well traveled, not well read, not well-to-do or well bred
Just want to hear instead, "Well Done" good and faithful one...

Blessings

2009-08-19T14:47:00.001-07:00

God has really been heaping blessings upon me these days. Not that He doesn't always, but there have been some really cool things happening lately! :) I just feel so blessed to be here, still at Michigan, experiencing the joys of everyday life.

I finished grad school almost 2 weeks ago, and have been on break ever since. I've been packing a little bit here and there, attended two friends' wedding (it was beautiful!), saw Jerry (and he's coming tomorrow! Excited!), and have been hanging out with friends and resting.

It's been a good time. This week, I went to Starbucks twice to just sit, do my quiet times, journal a bit, and think. I started Beth Moore's devotional "A Woman's Heart" and it's different from "Breaking Free" - not as in-depth and not as much reading, but still really profound. Her Bible studies have really ministered to me and kept me growing in my faith and in my dependence on God. The first time I was at Starbucks, I ended up sitting for two hours. I journalled at least 6-7 pages (which is a lot! I usually write like a page) and just sat. There were people around me, but it was as if I was by myself with God. I haven't felt that in a long time. The study was about waiting on God's promises, because He's the only one who can make promises and keep them 100% of the time. I had this inner dialogue in my head:

"Well, God, if you can keep promises 100% of the time, why don't I trust you more? Why don't I depend on You more than I do now? Why do I always think I can do it on my own?"

"Because you still haven't given your life completely over to Me..."

It's true - this is one of the biggest things I struggle with, I think. Relinquishing my sense of power and control and trusting in God for His provision. Thinking of next year, after graduation, many have asked me why I chohse a profession that does not pay adequately. I always answer, "It's what I love to do, and it's what God has called me to do." But still, thoughts and doubts still fill my head - "What if I'm not as good at teaching as other teachers? What if I don't make enough to support my family?" Crazy thoughts, but sometimes they still creep into my mind. All these questions - proof that I still don't trust God with everything.

Again, God showed me yesterday that He is definitely more than enough. He hears my worries and He will provide.

During this break, I've been searching on Craigslist for used children's books so I can start building a classroom library for my class this year (I just wanted to find some of my favorites so I could read to my students if the teacher didn't have the books I wanted) and for my future classes. I saw a listing that a woman had put up for some books her sons were selling because they were getting older. After a few email exchanges, she told me she was an elementary school teacher in Ann Arbor, and asked if I would like to come to her classroom to look at the books and see which ones I wanted. So yesterday, I took Maggie with me to go look at books. This woman, literally, had SO many books. Maybe hundreds, including the ones on the bookshelf that we didn't even look through! She sold me around 70 books for $40 (most at just 50 cents each! What a steal!) and also gave me a "What Your Second Grader Needs to Know" for free and a filing cabinet filled with stories (books) and her lesson plans/activities for those particular books.

Wow. I was floored. It seems like such a little thing, but my heart was so happy. It just showed me again that this is where God has called me, and He will provide in ways that are very unexpected!

One week and a few days more of break -- I'm really excited to see what this fall has in store!!

a poem that touched my heart

2009-08-16T14:44:00.000-07:00

I made you.
You are different.
You are unique.
With love I formed you in your mothers womb.
I fashioned you with great joy.
I remember with great pleasure the day I created you in my image.
I love your smile.
I love your ways.
I love to hear you laugh, and the silly things you do and say.
You bring me great pleasure.
This is how I made you:
I made you pretty, not beautiful, because I knew your heart, and I knew you would be vain.
I wanted you to search out your heart, and learn that it would be me in you that would make you beautiful.
And it would be me in you that would draw your friends to you.
I made you in such a way that you would need me, yearn, and long for me.
I made you a little more lonesome than you would like to be, only because I want you to learn to depend on me.
I know your heart, and I know that if I hadn't made you like this, you would go your own chosen way and forget me, your creator.
I have given you many good and happy things because I love you.
I have rained blessings on you because I adore you.
I have seen your broken heart and the tears that you cried alone, only because you would not hold my hand.
So many lessons you have learned the hard way because you wouldn't listen to my voice.
So many times I've sat back and sadly watched you go your own way, only to watch you return to my arms, sad and broken.
I have to reshape and remold you, to renew you to what I had planned for you to be.
It has not been easy for you or for me.
I have such amazing plans for you.
I want you to be conformed to my image, this high goal I have set for you because I love you. And now you are mine.
I made you and then bought you at a price, because I loved you.
You are my child, and you are complete in me.
You are my temple, a light to the world, a branch of my vine.
NOTHING can separate you from my love.

Author Unknown

on repeat

2009-08-12T14:35:00.001-07:00

Barlowgirl - I Need You to Love Me

Why? Why are you still here with me?
Didn’t you see what I’ve done?
In my shame I want to run,
And hide myself.
Yeah, but it’s here I see the truth,
I don’t deserve you.

But I need you to love me,
And I, I won’t keep my heart from you this time.
And I’ll stop this pretending that I can,
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need you to love me

I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing you away from me.
I just never saw how you
Could cherish me.

Cause you’re a God who has all things,
And still you want me.

And I need you to love me,
And I, I won’t keep my heart from you this time.
And I’ll stop this pretending that I can,
Somehow deserve what I already have
Yeah, ye-ea-eah

Your love makes me forget what I have been.
Your love makes me see who I really am.
Your love makes me forget what I have been, oh-oh.

And I need you to love me, yeah
I need you to love me, ye-ea-eah!
And I’ll stop this pretending that I can,
Somehow deserve what I already have
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need you to love me, yeah
I need you to…
oh oh oh oh eo (x4)
Love me, love me, yah

Last Day

2009-07-23T14:58:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is my last day of student teaching for the summer. It's crazy how in three short weeks, you learn so much about your students. It's crazy how often I think of them, long after the day is over and they've gone home. It's crazy how much I know about them, and all it takes is a willing heart and an open ear. I've been thinking a lot these past couple days, as my time with them draws to a close. As a teacher, one of the things I enjoy most is getting to know my students - what they like, what they don't like, how they work and interact with each other and with me, how many siblings they have, what their favorite color is, and all the little details. I see it in their writing, and I ask them questions, to probe deeper, to see a little better into their young but complicated lives. I thought all teachers would enjoy this process of getting to know their students - but I've realized, this is often not the case.

I won't go into that here, but I've really been challenged a lot in my time of student teaching. I guess I am a dreamer, and I idealized the teaching profession. I knew it was hard, but I guess through the program I would get to meet like-minded individuals who value children and who see unlimited potential in them as I do. To me, all the students I worked with these past 3 weeks, no matter what developmental challenges they may have, I've been able to find something positive and special in each child. I just finished writing them all a little note, and even though they're only in first grade and I've only known them for such a short time, I was surprised that I could pick out something special in each child, most of the time 2 or 3 specific things! I felt I didn't have enough space in each note to tell each child how wonderful they are. Sadly, that's not the case with some of the teachers I've met (not the people in my program - they are all wonderful!). While I'm sure they all love children to an extent... that curiosity and wanting to know their students as individuals just isn't there. I'm not saying that all teachers are like that - many teachers are truly wonderful and know their students well and I aspire to be like that when I really start teaching! But it's just sad when teachers view teaching as a job, and that's it.

I hope that even though my time with my students was short, that they felt love in the classroom. This sounds so cheesy, but I'm serious! If I even encouraged one child to try harder or to read more... then everything was worth it! :)

2009-07-21T15:54:00.000-07:00

Sorry for not updating in so long yet again...

ELMAC has pretty much taken over my life. I mean, I love it! But it's very time-consuming all around, and energy-draining, if that's a term. My schedule is a little hectic. I wake up everyday around 6:30, get ready, pack my lunch, get to my carpool at 7:15, drive to Plymouth, teach from 8-11:30 (help out, I mean - we're not lead teaching yet), lunch, class from 1-4, drive home to Ann Arbor, work 3 times a week, homework, sleep. That's pretty much my whole day, everyday from Monday to Friday. It's been really busy, but I love it, too. This is the 3rd week of teaching in the Summer Academy, and it really warms my heart - today reminded me of why I love what I do and why I do what I do.

It's the best feeling when your students finally get something you've been working with them on for days. It's the best feeling when you can help a student who is struggling understand what the teacher is saying. It's the best feeling when you can translate for a student who doesn't understand the language, and see the "click" in their minds. They finally get it. And that's the best feeling in the world. :)

I think back on all the teachers that I've had throughout my life, and a few significant ones stand out. I write about them often in my reflection papers, because they inspired me to learn, and to love learning, and ultimately, guided me down this path to teach others. I'm thankful that I get a chance to do what I love to do. :)

New Discovery

2009-07-12T19:45:00.000-07:00

Heard this guy, Jonny Diaz, on Pandora. Loved it!

I needed to hear this song today! Thanks, God. :)

Neglected Blog

2009-07-09T14:49:00.000-07:00

Sorry, I haven't updated in ages! Okay, two weeks, but it feels like a long time...

3rd week of grad school is almost over! Seems like it's going by so fast but yet so slowly at the same time. We started teaching at a summer academy, and it's been a whole different experience being in the classroom as interns/student teachers, applying what we learned. I feel like I'm working full time - leave home at 7:15, get home at 4:30, work from 5-7 three times a week. It's really a lot, and I feel like I haven't done anything REALLY social in a long time. Thank goodness for small group tonight - hopefully I'll be able to make it.

More updates on school/life later. Perhaps this weekend! :)

Grad School

2009-06-24T09:41:00.001-07:00

School has officially started for me. :) This is day 3.

Orientation was on Monday - pretty interesting, got a lot of information and such. Yesterday was the first full day of class. Man, it was tough. It was long. I'm not used to being in 3 hour long classes. I don't think I ever had a class in undergrad that went the full three hours, but the time feels faster in this program. We have two classes per day, each 3 hours long, and an hour break for lunch (which is why I'm in the UGLI right now, printing out articles for class! I packed my printer somewhere... don't feel like digging it out). It's taking some getting used to, but everything is very interesting, and I'm enjoying the challenge.

I have 3 classes - one on literacy, one on literacy/management, and one on teaching mathematics. No surprise - the math class is the hardest one so far. There's a lot of logic involved, and that's something I'm not really good at. Doing the homework yesterday was rough, haha. :) But I got it done... hopefully the teacher just wants to see our reasoning!

Okay, I have to get going back to class. More updates later!

Learning to Trust

2009-06-17T04:05:00.000-07:00

I finished Beth Moore's devotional "Breaking Free" today. It's a 10 week study, and yet I started it with Ann in the fall. It took me a whole school year to get through it. It was difficult. This is the first study that I've done that made me cry, made me hurt in remembering past sins and junk, and allowed me to heal. I've cried through many of the studies, and been convicted and challenged to dig into my past and let God heal me of the insecurities and wounds that have been hidden and pushed aside. Through Beth's guidance in reading the Scriptures, I saw how much God loved me - it was as if I was seeing it for the first time again, with new eyes.

I think sometimes, when you've been a believer for so long, you forget about God's grace and love. Serving becomes more like a chore, and you just don't spend time to relax in God's presence anymore. I think that's what I lost sight of for the past couple of months. But God used this study to break my heart, and to allow me to see what I was missing out on - a truly intimate relationship with Him.

A lot of past insecurities were drawn out during this study - my insecurities with body image, in relationships with other people, in my relationships with guys, with struggling to love myself. It was very difficult, and sometimes I definitely felt weary and ready to give up. What am I fighting for? Is it really worth it?

God showed me through this study that it is worth it. Walking with Him is difficult, and the path is narrow, but He is enough.

Today was the last section, and Beth shared a story about her girls, when they were young. They would often cling to her and ask her to play with them. It was heartwarming, and she talked about how when the battle gets rough and we feel so weary and burnt out, all we have to do is cling to God. He is, after all, our Heavenly Father. If our own parents will give up what they have to help us (in any way) - how much more will God do for us? So often, the part I miss and fail on is calling out to Him. When I'm weary, I tend to just push ahead on my own, leading to mistakes and burn out, and feeling further away from Him.

All He wants is for me to draw closer to Him and to call out for Him to help me. He's always willing - am I willing to trust Him and fall into His arms?

I've definitely got a lot to learn, but I do recommend this study to all of you who are looking for summer study material - it was life-changing for me. Difficult, but so worth it.

Going Back Soon

2009-06-14T01:28:00.000-07:00

6 more days at home. It's kind of crazy how fast a month has flown by. Slow, at points, but still seems pretty fast. It's a little bittersweet because I'm not sure when I'll be back again - Christmas, if I can find a cheaper ticket. If not... I finish school at the end of July 2010, and I have August to relocate to wherever the job takes me and teaching starts mid-August/September. Next Christmas, then? :( Seems like such a long time.

At the same time, though, I'm excited to be starting grad school. I've technically been done with school since December, so I'm excited to start again, and to meet the people in my program who have the same passion for teaching that I do. I'm excited to learn how to teach and how to engage my future students, and to make an impact with the skills I learn through the program. Praise God, though, above all, for calling me into this field and preparing a way for me. :) My mom was telling me how some aunties were telling her how hard it was putting two kids through college/grad school. My mom told me that her and my dad were blessed, because I was blessed with a generous scholarship. Well, praise God for listening to all of my prayers through the application process! :) It's truly wonderful, and I'm still in awe every time I think about it.

I'll definitely be updating this blog with my adventures through grad school, so do keep reading. :) I'll try to update as much as I can!

Agape Love

2009-06-02T02:47:00.000-07:00

"Though the mountains be shaken
and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken
nor my covenant of peace be removed,"
says the LORD, who has compassion on you." ~ Isaiah 54:10

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." ~ 1 John 4:18

These two verses were from Beth Moore's "Breaking Free" devotional that I've continued to keep up with summer (didn't do a good job of it over the year). When I was going through the study, I knew it was going to be a convicting study. And it was.

I think what I learned about myself this year was how much I feared failure. In everything I do - school, relationships with people, my relationship with Jerry, even my spiritual life. I often have the mentality that if I slip up on my quiet times, then I'm not "faithful" enough. If I don't do enough for the fellowship, then I'm obviously not very "spiritual" or not "serving" enough. Thoughts like that often creep into my mind. I know those thoughts are not of God, but perhaps it was the way I was raised or the way I had conditioned myself to think - it became a habit. This summer, I've been surprised at how often the subject of "love" comes up in my quiet times. Not the love of a human being, but the love of God. I like how Beth put it in her study today - "You cannot love another human being with agape love (God's perfect love) unless you learn to accept it yourself."

Wow.

Have I accepted God's love fully? Why am I still scared of Him when I "slip up"?

I know there's a difference between repentance and fear. And I think I fall into the second category, where I fear God and His disappointment so much that I turn away even more, leaving a bigger gap and causing me to walk further and further away. God has revealed this to me this summer, and while I can't say I've learned to fully accept God and how He sees me - as a perfect daughter - I am learning. It's been hard to unlearn the lessons and the lies I have rooted in my heart, but it's been so refreshing and so wonderful at the same time.

God has shown me that He doesn't care if I do my quiet times every day for exactly a certain amount of time - what matters is how often I surrender and allow myself to be placed into His grand plan for me. I have to stop trying to fit God into my own predetermined plans and dreams. I just have to walk each day, faithfully, and each day counts towards living an obedient life. He doesn't care how much I serve or how well - as long as I have a willing heart. The outcome is up to Him - not up to me. Even if it seems like a "failure" on the outside, I cannot see the big picture - but God can. God loves me with a kind of love that no family member or lover could love me with - and that's agape love. But unless I learn to accept His love into my heart first, I cannot love others the way I want to. I can't hold up a wall in my heart against God any longer - He has spoken so clearly to me that He loves me and He wants a better and closer relationship with me. And in His agape love comes freedom - something I desperately need.

I know this post seems kind of rambly, but I hope it has spoken to you as well. God has been refining me - a diamond in the rough, if you will - and it hasn't been easy. But it has been so worth it. Because He sees the big picture, while so often I can't!

And Beth used one of my favorite verses. So fitting. :) I leave you with this:

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.

⁹ "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

¹⁰ As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,

¹¹ so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. ~ Isaiah 55:8-11

Long Overdue Post

2009-05-29T01:20:00.000-07:00

I realized... I haven't updated this in ages! Thanks to Ann for the reminder. :) Anyway...

I've been home for the past... two weeks-ish? It's wonderful being back, after not being back for so long! Things haven't changed all too much, but in some ways, subtly, they have. My parents have gotten used to their "empty nest", but my mom says it's wonderful that Tiff and I are back so she can cook happily for four again. My dog is no longer here with us (sad...) but my dad says maybe we can go check out puppies at the pet shop and see if we find one we like. :) I permed my hair for the first time (curls!) and it's a lot more high maintenance than I usually like to be, but I'm getting used to it. I've been reading up on the ELMAC program and am SO excited to get started. I haven't been in school since December and started getting really restless and antsy in March... so you can imagine my excitement by now! Haven't done a ton of shopping, but I have raided my mom's closet for some more professional looking clothes for the coming year and came away with a ton. Used stuff is just as good, don't you think? :)

I've been doing my quiet times in the morning (trying to, anyway!) and have been working through Beth Moore's "Breaking Free". I got to the section where it's about being clay and God being the potter and how God knows best. I think this devotional has really been speaking to me and challenging me every single day to let my future rest in God's hands. He's brought me this far, and has been faithful every single time - I should have an easier and easier time trusting Him. But being home, with questions of my future job and my future with Jerry constantly being put on my mind, I have started to dream as well. I have so many dreams for my future job, my future family - whatever it is, I have a lot of dreams, haha. But I've been challenged daily through God's word and through this devotional to surrender. It's so hard, but I'm definitely learning.

Just came home from a family gathering for the Dragon Boat Festival. It was good seeing cousins and catching up with all the aunts and uncles. My aunt bought a house near my grandma, so we went there and played mahjong and ate way too much and watched some movies. My allergies are back, which sucks, because I don't get allergies much at all in the States!

3 more weeks at home - hoping to make the most of it! :)

Closure

2009-05-13T08:16:00.000-07:00

Wow, I haven't blogged in quite a while! Well, from the time that I blogged until now, I have...

... welcomed my parents to Ann Arbor.
... packed up my apartment at Carriage 3 (but I'll be back in the summer... so unpack as needed then!)
... visited Jerry's house and parents a last time (he's moving to Baltimore this summer, so I don't know when I'll be back there again)
... gone to graduation (it was the most perfect day out... and the speeches were funny and engaging!)
... met a lot of friends' parents (so fun :D)
... let my parents meet a lot of my good friends
... gone to Chapter Focus Week.

And now I'm in Los Gatos, California. Been here since Sunday. My parents left last night, but my sister and I are here for two more days before we join them. I think it was a miscommunication in departure times, but it's okay. :) I've enjoyed seeing old and familiar faces. It was really sad to say goodbye to some people in Ann Arbor that I know I probably won't get to see for a long, long while. It was especially hard to say goodbye to Jerry - by the time I get back to Ann Arbor for summer classes, he will no longer be there as he always has been, waiting for me. He'll be starting a new chapter of his life in Maryland, and I won't be there for that either. It makes me sad to think about it, but it draws me to rely on God more and more and to trust this relationship with Him. Only He knows what will happen tomorrow, and I'm learning to take comfort in that each day.

Each of these things that has happened deserves an entry of its own. More on that when I have time to blog!! Hope you guys are having a great summer/graduation (for those of you who haven't graduated yet)!

A Farewell to Small Groups

2009-04-20T10:01:00.001-07:00

AIV/IV Small group leaders + helpers of 2008-2009
(thanks to Maggie for the pictures!)

I know not everyone is in these pictures, but can I just say - WOW. A whole year has gone by! Yesterday, Laura invited us over to her house to have an end-of-the-year party, and it was just fun hanging out with everyone outside of WCI and to reflect and share about the past year. You guys have no idea how much of a blessing you've been to me! All the times I met up with each of you, I was so encouraged to hear how you guys were growing and how your small groups were doing. Even from the struggles, I thank you guys for your persistence in continuing to be faithful to God and allowing me into your lives and letting me know how I can pray for you. I know these friendships will continue on into next year, and I hope you've all gotten a lot out of it this past year through leading and helping! It was such a privilege to be your small group coordinator this year.

And a big shout-out to Laura - thanks for being such a rock for us this year, especially for me and Katie! Your notes and thoughtful study of Luke always helped me get more insight on what points to cover in WCI. Thanks for always inspiring me to look into the word more deeply, and for providing such support for all of us. Thank you, too, for the books and for feeding us yesterday. :D It was all delicious! You will be missed a LOT next year!!

What I Meant to Say at Senior Send-off

2009-04-19T20:19:00.001-07:00

Senior send-off has come and gone. Our senior send-off. Wow, it still feels very surreal when I think about it. (We're not supposed to be seniors yet...)

Anyway, as tradition goes, every senior goes up to accept a type of "award" and give a little speech about their thoughts on graduation and life and such. For those of you who know me pretty well... I hate public speaking. I mean, in front of a group of 20 or so is okay, but in front of all of AIV? Even though I know everyone, it still felt very scary. I went up there and rambled about being an international student and finding CCF and how it became my home and leading small groups and I don't know what else. I had thought of many things to say in my mind but once I was standing up there, my mind went blank and I just rambled. Sigh. I should've prepared more, but since I can't go back and change what I said, I'll write what I wish I had said.

It was funny that Senior Send-off was in the Vandenburg room of the League, because I attended my first large group at CCF in the room directly across the hall. I remember being approached by Rachael Ng, and talking to her for a long time in that hallway. Irene was writing name tags that day, and shooed us in because large group was starting. I remember Jeff Liou introducing himself and telling us freshmen that if we stuck with CCF, we would be able to welcome their new baby (Emma!) with them in January. We had an icebreaker where we had to find different people to do things with you (like give you a piggy back ride) and other things. I remember meeting so many new people, and it was quite overwhelming! It was also the place where I met Jerry, one of the people who has changed my life. We went to the post-large group activity (bowling... at that bowling alley where my small group went this year!) and ended up in the same car AND bowling group. We talked for a long time, and it was one of those monumental days that you just remember.

I remember crazy freshman days with Betsy, Sophia, and Spencer. We may not hang out as much anymore, but so many of my freshman year memories were with these 3. :) We would hang out at Bubble Island until 3 AM and we got kicked out quite a few times. Instead of going home and going to sleep, we would go to Newberry and chat in the lounge. I remember on my birthday freshman year, I invited so many people from CCF and had the biggest birthday party I can remember. 35 people at the Brown Jug. That night, I also went to the Alg to play Monopoly, and I got the snow I had so wished for. Jerry walked me home and we sang "Indescribable" while walking. It was 5 AM by the time I got home. Oh, those were the days.

My time in CCF/AIV has not been without heartache, though. I remember going into sophomore year kind of bitter and disappointed, because I felt that after freshman year, people just didn't care as much about you. I don't know if it was because I was an international student or because I'm more introverted, but I felt that the CCF upperclassmen (back then) only reached out to the freshmen that were more outspoken, more friendly, and more sociable. I can't think of a better way to describe it, but I felt that because of the way I interacted with people or something, people didn't want to reach out to me as much. Maybe they felt scared that they couldn't relate with me. Back then, there was only one other international student in CCF, and I just felt very bitter. I also hit sophomore slump - HARD - partly because I just felt very left out of everything. I wasn't that close with many people in my class back then, and I also lived in a single (bad combination) and I think I just felt very resentful towards CCF. I felt that people only cared about me because I was a freshman, but after that, they weren't obligated to reach out anymore. I didn't let anyone know about these feelings until senior year (this year) and it's been a good time of healing and restoration in my heart and in some of the relationships with these upperclassmen. I think, though, that because this is what I went through, when I was a sophomore, I made an extra effort (or at least, tried to) to reach out to ALL the freshmen, not just the louder and more charismatic ones. I remember being so excited to see more and more international students in AIV, and I continue to pray that AIV will keep expanding as a welcoming community for international students!

It's funny how my award was the "most likely to win a Golden Apple award", because if it weren't for CCF/AIV, I think I would've missed God's calling in my life to become a teacher. I came in as a freshman not really knowing what I wanted to do, and I was just confused. Through training events like Cross Training, Urbana 06, and other events, I felt God strongly calling me towards education, and more specifically, urban education. Through the years, God has used many Intervarsity books and things to further confirm this, and I'm now headed to the ELMAC program at U of M, also through God's grace and provision. CCF/AIV has had a huge impact in this aspect of my life, and I just wanted to reiterate how important and life-changing training events can be for all of you! (I can imagine Laura smiling right about now) I would love to talk to you guys more about figuring out career/calling if you guys want. :)

For those of you who are freshmen and sophomores (and I know I mentioned this in my talk, but didn't get around to saying all I wanted to say) - the north campus ministry grew to having two small groups when I was going to be a small group leader during my sophomore year. I remember at CFW when I was initially placed in West Quad. Perfect, I thought. I lived in Newberry and West Quad was so close by. Convenient and comfortable. However, a change of events led me to being asked to be placed in Bursley. Bursley? I had never even been inside of Bursley. I was excited, yet hesitant and perhaps a little reluctant. Brian Chen was my co-leader, and he knew North Campus well, but I know we both felt a little "eh" when we heard this. I remember that morning I sat in a wooden chair overlooking the calm lake, and I just felt God's peace in my heart. God convicted me that morning that real service is putting down my own preferences and comfort, and going where He is calling because He will always be faithful. That small group (SPAM!) in Bursley that year blossomed, and I will always remember that small group so distinctly because of how God worked in my heart during that year. Margaret, Dan, Jack, Stephanie Ma, Grace Kim, and Joyce Ker were our freshmen, and it was just amazing to see how God really blessed us and came through for us. Starting a small group in a new dorm was indeed scary, but I learned to trust God so much more through that experience. I also wanted to say how cool it was that many of these freshmen that were in my small group went on to many other leadership roles - small group leader, future co-president/fellowship coordinator, starting up their own ministries, and the coolest part was that Dan was my small group leader this year! Amazing how things have come full circle. :D

One last thing I had wanted to mention was to invest your time in people. Yes, college is for school and activities and stuff, and your role primarily is to be a student. By no means am I saying, "Don't study! Hang out all the time!" but seriously, as I look back on my time here, the things that make me smile are the times I had with the people I have come to love and trust so much. Of course, I remember some stuff from classes and such, but the real memories that will stay with me for a lifetime are those with my friends and brothers and sisters in Christ. Like Spencer said, don't have any regrets - reach out to others and care for peopole. :) You'll be glad you did it!

Thank you, CCF/AIV for a fun and challenging four years, and I'm so glad I get to be around next year too. I'll definitely be visiting!

End of Senior Year...

2009-04-16T05:34:00.000-07:00

Senior send-off is tomorrow. Our senior send-off. What the heck... where has all the time gone?! I remember last year, and the years before that, planning senior send-off and Pie in the Face. And now it's our turn. What?! I don't feel like a senior... how can I be a senior already? Even though I've technically been "done" for a while now... it still feels really strange.

I already started packing up my room. I'm still going to be living in my apartment during the summer, since that's when my program starts, but since we're subletting our apartment to three other girls, I have to pack up at least most of my stuff. Feels kind of sad, as always, but that's life, right?

I haven't thought about grad school all that much until these past couple days. It'll be really different - I hear the classes are more intense, and that the ELMAC program is especially intense, with half of the time in class and half of the time doing student teaching. I wonder if I'm ready - but even if I'm not, I'll have to be ready soon, right? Just seems kind of surreal - I've worked for the past three years to get to this point, and now I'm finally here. Crazy! God has been good to me. :)

Next year in itself will be weird, because some of my close friends will not be on campus anymore. It'll be sad not to be able to talk to them or see them often, but that's a part of life too, right? I remember coming to Michigan and sorely missing my friends from home. But after four years, I've survived, and made new friends. I catch up with my girls from home whenever I go back and we talk every so often. The friendships from high school are still there, but the close ones are few (and you guys know who you are!). Many of those friendships have become... distant, and more like acquaintances. I hope it doesn't happen to these friendships in college, but inevitably, it will to some.

I've been reading a lot of good books to get a perspective on what next year and my first official year of teaching will be like. Now, I know it'll be different, because everyone's experience is different, but I read this quote that I really liked yesterday:

(This woman originally wanted to go to medical school and ended up teaching for 35 years)
"I never did become a pediatrician, but I became a healer, a healer of children - I became a teacher."

Wow. That was so beautiful, and it really touched me. As teachers, we have the responsibility to guide and nurture young (or older) children, and the impact you could potentially have is just mind-boggling. I'm excited!!

(sorry, this post was filled with a lot of tangents and random thoughts)

LOOK WHAT I FOUND :)

2009-04-14T05:26:00.001-07:00

In the process of downloading my livejournal... I found these. :D OMG!! Hahaha. :D Enjoy!

only a couple days old.

man i was chubby! well, still am. xP

two years old.

when tiffy was born. =)

the cheesiest picture of all. matching dresses!

in our old room. =)

no idea what i was doing. but tiff was cute. =)

snow in reno. =)

People

2009-04-13T06:43:00.000-07:00

This weekend has been all about spending time with people. This is something I sorely missed last semester - it's not that last semester I didn't see people or didn't enjoy spending time with them, but it always felt so rushed. If it wasn't a pre-set meeting, I didn't have time for it, really. I would've loved to spend more time getting to know all the small group leaders and helpers, and I feel like I made significant progress in doing so, but it still always felt rushed. Meaningful relationships cannot be rushed, I've learned. It comes with constant communication and learning to listen to one another and experiencing life together. You can rush life along, but it loses the meaningful-ness (is that a word? haha) and depth of the relationship.

Jerry and I went out to brunch on Saturday morning, after spending the previous night at Harvest and before that, walking around campus enjoying the sun. It's weird - we used to do that every time it was sunny out (my freshman and sophomore year) but as we got older... those times stopped as well. Sounds so sad, but it's true. I couldn't remember the last time we had walked around campus together - maybe it was back in May of last year. It was fun just putting work and everything else aside and spending time together outside of studying and just lounging at home. It really did nurture our relationship on the emotional level and we were able to share a lot about how we were doing recently (on a deeper level, I mean). :)

Saturday was Tiff's birthday dinner as well, and it was fun seeing people from AIV outside of th AIV contexts. Although, it was really loud and I couldn't really hear what people were talking about (that happens when you have a long table of people!) but it was still really fun regardless. Sunday was Easter Sunday, and after the Knox service (which was wonderful, by the way!) Jerry, me, Michelle, Jack, Betsy, Kaibon, and my sister went to Olive Garden for lunch. Again, it was fun to see people I don't usually get to hang out with regularly! Lots of fun.

Last night, the senior class (okay, like 1/3 of our class) had a good time of sharing and prayer for each other. Our class is really special and I love them, but I don't think we've ever prayed for each other like we did last night. It was wonderful to get to know everyone a bit more, on a deeper level, and spend time in prayer for one another. I'm glad people shared what they were struggling with and it was a blessing to hear verses being read out by each other. It really touched me. I love our class, and I will miss every single person when they leave. Luckily, a lot of them are staying around, so that makes me happy. :D

Invest in people!! Those are the times you will remember from college. Yes, you might remember stuff from class... but people matter the most in the long run, I've learned. :) Enjoy the time you have left with the people around you!

Spring is here, I think?

2009-04-11T13:47:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Good Friday. The day started off bright and early, and Jeff took me to go get my car. She's finally here!! (Yeah, I refer to my car as a girl because she's white, cute, and pretty! And it's mine! Crazyyy... makes me feel so grown up driving it. :D)

She's a 2005 Toyota Corolla, with 70,000 miles and I got her at a good deal! ($6800) It's a very basic car, nothing extravagant about it, but it's a car, and I'm blessed. :) Thanks to Mom and Dad, and thanks to Jeff for taking me and answering my many, many questions! I didn't know much about cars before this... I feel like I've learned a LOT these past two weeks. Haha. :)

I went to the Harvest Good Friday service last night. I attended Harvest for 2.5 years during college, and it was only recently that I started attending Knox (more recently, I mean). I really enjoyed it. :) I don't think Jerry and I have gone to Harvest together before (maybe we have, but I don't remember) but last night was very convicting. The talk that Pastor Andrew gave was really good -- about how we are constantly being perfected by the Cross. He also talked about the sacrifices that were prevalent in the Old Testament - until Jesus came, all those sacrifices were not enough to right the wrongs that man committed. He even demonstrated what a sacrifice was like from Leviticus - it was powerful because I feel like often when I read the Bible, it's hard for me to see what's actually happening (I'm a very visual person), so seeing him act it out put a lot of things into perspective. Worship was wonderful as well - the thing I love about Harvest is the passion of the people; no one is afraid to raise their hands and just praise God. It was a wonderful place to be, and God definitely spoke a lot to me.

Easter Sunday is tomorrow - get excited! It's always great to hear about Jesus' ressurection and the victory we have through Christ! :) Thank You, Jesus, for Your sacrifice!

2009-04-08T09:21:00.001-07:00

I love Pandora, because of the new music I never would've heard otherwise.

This song spoke perfectly of the emotions I felt after leaving small group last night. We studied Luke 23, Jesus' crucifixion. This being Holy Week, it really touched me in a way that I haven't felt touched in a long time. I came home and reread the passage aloud with Jerry, and we prayed together for God to help us understand more fully the sacrifice that Jesus gave for us. We often live our lives in a way that do not point to the cross, that degrade the meaning and weight behind it. It's humbling and convicting, and when I heard this song this morning... it just seemed as if this could've been me talking in my head.

Addison Road - What Do I Know of Holy

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

(CHORUS 2)
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life "its" name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

Even though I've been in the church and accepted Christ into my life years ago, there are still times when I think I know a lot about God, and I do... but I don't know Him. I don't talk to Him nearly as much as I do with my friends, not even close. I was telling Jerry yesterday how Jesus has all the time in the world for us, to listen to our every heart's desire, no matter how small... and we can't even give Him a minute of our time, even though He deserves so much more. We go to small group and large group and prayer meetings - for what? To actually know more about God, or to know Him more?

I remember what Sara said during a Core meeting. "Did Jesus have to die on the cross for your lessons to work?" I think she was talking about teaching Sunday school, so that's the context, but it makes so much sense in other contexts as well. As Christians, do we live our lives in a way that reflects the selfless sacrifice Jesus gave? Or would our lives just carry on the same, like the rest of the world?

Something to think about.

Finances

2009-04-07T04:40:00.000-07:00

You know, I didn't really ever think about money so much until this past week. I mean, money is essential, even crucial at times. I know how to budget and how to save and stuff, but I never thought about financing my own education until it came to grad school. I am what you would called extremely blessed. My parents have faithfully and constantly made sure my sister and I weren't in need (even this year... when both of us were in college... I'm sure that put a significant dent in their wallets!). My parents could easily save their hard-earned money and live an easy and luxurious life - they deserve that and more. But instead, they choose to invest in my sister and I, sending us to a top university in the United States. Now that's sacrifice. :) Thanks, Mom and Dad, if you're reading this! I love you guys.

So, for graduate school... I remember having conversations with my Dad about financing my education through scholarships and stuff. However, for the specific program I applied to, there were few scholarships and it wasn't a program where I could be a GSI (because my program is half school half internship). With the mounting costs of school and stuff, I knew my parents would pay for it if they had to, but I just couldn't shake that guilty feeling that I was asking for an additional year, and being out of state AND international - that's a lot of money. So throughout the grad school process, I had this prayer in my heart - that God would provide financially. I know sometimes, praying for money seems kind of... strange, especially since the Bible has SO many passages about not hoarding money & etc. But this was kind of different, I think.

Yesterday, I went to meet with the financial advisor at the School of Ed. Upon hearing who I was, she immediately exclaimed, "You're Melissa! You got the top scholarship in the program this year! This is the first time Michigan has given out a scholarship this big!" I was shocked. I knew I had recieved the scholarship, but in hindsight, I guess I didn't understand the significance. God had heard every one of my prayers, and He provided accordingly. As we looked through my financial aid package, I realized that I had recieved enough between scholarships and loans to cover the cost of my ENTIRE tuition bill for fall and winter. Wow. I could not have asked for that myself (I don't even think I dared to pray that during this whole ordeal). God knew what was needed and He provided accordingly, down to the last penny. It was just enough. Crazy. :) I am so blessed!

I guess through this whole experience, God gave me an overwhelming sense of peace and humility. In my own eyes, I don't see myself as anything special - I'm just like any other college student with a dream to make a difference. God has nurtured that dream and given me a way to make it happen, and it's just further confirmation that this is where I'm supposed to go. I know at the beginning of the school year I still had doubts as to whether or not education was the way for me. Now, I've never been more sure. God also showed me that He does listen to every fleeting desire in my heart, even when I don't have the courage to ask for it - He still hears me. It's amazing!

Mighty to Save

2009-03-31T09:56:00.000-07:00

This song has really been ministering to my heart these days.

Hillsong - Mighty to Save

Everyone needs compassion,
Love that's never failing;
Let mercy fall on me.

Everyone needs forgiveness,
The kindness of a Saviour;
The Hope of nations.

Saviour, He can move the mountains,
My God is Mighty to save,
He is Mighty to save.

Forever, Author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave,
Jesus conquered the grave.

So take me as You find me,
All my fears and failures,
Fill my life again.

I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in,
Now I surrender.

My Saviour, He can move the mountains,
My God is Mighty to save,
He is Mighty to save.
Forever, Author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave,
Jesus conquered the grave.

Shine your light and let the whole world see,
We're singing for the glory of the risen King...Jesus (x2)

My Saviour, He can move the mountains,
My God is Mighty to save,
He is Mighty to save.
Forever, Author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave,
Jesus conquered the grave.

In light of a lot of things that have been going on lately, my heart has been heavy. Reading daily about baby Stellan in the hospital, struggling with sin in my own life (it's a work in progress), and watching the documentary at AIV's outreach event on sex trafficking - just to name a few - has left me questioning a lot. Does God care about the struggling babies? Why doesn't He just deliver these young girls out of the life of poverty they live in? He is perfectly capable. Why do young babies have to have heart problems and other complications? They're too young to have to go through all this. Just today, I found out that a friend of a couple members in AIV passed away. He was way too young, God. Why do these things happen?

Hearing this song at Knox this past Sunday reminded me that God does have us in His hands. He's perfectly capable of ridding the world of all pain and hurt, but sometimes, He has a bigger story to tell, a bigger plan to show us. Despite the pain and hurt, we can cling onto Him and believe in His faithfulness and His goodness. It's definitely very hard, especially when things don't make sense, but God is constant. The rest of the world is not. And that's enough comfort for me that I can trust that He knows best.

Continue to pray for those who are struggling and hurting - God hears you.

A Rollercoaster of Emotions

2009-03-28T06:13:00.000-07:00

So... I know not a lot of you have heard, and this is going to come pretty suddenly... but I've decided to stay at Michigan to complete my masters degree in elementary education.

"But what about UPenn?"

Over spring break, when I visited, I fell in love with the campus and I really liked the program. I decided that I felt UPenn was the right school for me, and within a week of coming back, I sent in my acceptance letter. It was a pretty hard decision the first time around, though, because I had always loved Michigan's program, and had been connected to the professors since I was a sophomore (I know, I was one of those overachieving underclassmen who just wanted to get everything done right... haha). I had planned out my coursework so that I would be able to get into the program, and I was thrilled when I did. However, I felt that UPenn had an urban focus that I couldn't overlook that Michigan seemed to be lacking in. Not that the urban focus wasn't there at Michigan - it was just different. Penn also gave me a small scholarship, which at the time seemed like a good amount, you know?

Then comes Thursday (2 days ago). I opened my email and saw an email from one of the professors at Michigan, telling me I had gotten a half-tuition scholarship. What?! But I already rejected Michigan... I immediately called her, thanked her for the scholarship, and asked if I could have a few days to reconsider my choice. She was very supportive and understanding, and just so sweet about it all. She told me that I was one of the strongest candidates for the program and that they really wanted me to be a part of the program because they felt I had a lot to bring. Cost-wise, Michigan now made more sense.

So I started thining about the two programs. Both are small in size (~50 students) and both a year long. Michigan has an ESL endorsement that you can get with your teaching certification, which I have always wanted (useful if I were to move overseas one day!), while Penn did not. Penn was in the city, while Michigan... is not, haha. :) Living costs in Ann Arbor are cheaper. I would need a car here, but not in Philly. Thoughts like these bounced around in my head for the past two days, but I think I knew in my heart that Michigan was the right choice. Both programs are wonderful and while I feel a little sad that I won't be going somewhere new, Ann Arbor has really become home for me these past couple years, and I would love to spend another year here. :) In the future, I will probably have a chance to move to the East Coast, but I don't think I would ever move back to Michigan to work... so it makes sense.

All in all, though, I think God has a funny way of working sometimes. Throughout this whole grad school process, my prayer was, "God, just make it clear where You want me to go!" I kind of hoped that I would just get into one school, and I would know that's where God wanted me. But instead, he gave me 6 great schools to choose from... and my decisions changed, but I think I've also learned that no matter where I am, God can use that for His glory.

So, I'm here for another year. :) So excited to see what God has in store for me!

The Simple Way - Shane Claiborne

2009-03-26T04:36:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I got an email from Margaret telling me about this talk by Shane Claiborne. I didn't know who Shane was until yesterday, but what caught my eye was that he lives among the poor in urban Philadelphia, and has done many radical things while preaching the Gospel. Since I'm going to be in Philly next year and working with inner city children is in my future plans, I thought I would go and hear what he had to say. Wow. I'm so glad I went. I got there 5 minutes late, and the First Methodist church sanctuary was completely packed!

Shane talked about many things, and shared many stories. I took a lot of notes. What struck me is that he doesn't look like your typical pastor - he was wearing a tunic-like outfit, had dreadlocks, and was wearing a bandana. He spoke with such passion, though, and completely captured my attention for the whole 2 hours he spoke.

Here's some good quotes from the talk. I'll let his words speak for themselves.

"Does God's dream look like the American dream? The world cannot afford for us to all live the American dream."

"God is still good no matter what happens on Wall Street."

"How can we worship a homeless man on Sunday and ignore one on Monday?"

"Stop complaining about the church and create and be the church that you're dreaming about!"

On speaking about being discontent with the church - "The church is like Noah's ark - it stinks inside, but if you go out, you'll drown!" "The church needs frustration and discontent in order to grow."

Here's the outline from his talk - thought I'd share, because I got a lot out of it!

1. To be Christian means seeing ourselves move toward suffering.
- our role is to interrupt the patterns of injustice in this world
2. Shared economics - share what you have!
- if you have 2 of something, give one away
- our stuff is God's stuff - giving it away will bless you as well!
- $450,000,000 in medical bills paid - 20 years ago, Shane's community realized so many of its members had no health care. So every time someone was in the hospital, they would come together, pray for healing, and pool money to help pay for medical bills. In 20 years, their community has grown to 20,000 people, and they've paid over $450 million dollars for medical bills!! That's a lot of money!!
3. Hospitality - welcome the stranger
- Shane shared a story of this couple who lived in the suburbs and realized they didn't know their own neighbors. While walking around one day, they were praying for God to show them someone who needed help. They met a pregnant woman who was homeless, and invited her into their home. She had her baby there, and the couple was overjoyed because they had always wanted a baby but weren't able to conceive one. They supported the young mother through nursing school, and the mother and daughter lived with them for 12 years! The woman (who invited them in) eventually died, but she had a nurse by her side taking care of her. :) Sweet story.
4. Church commitment to reconciliation
- "the most segregated hour in America is 11 AM on Sunday morning" - convicting.
- see the community in living our common lives!
- macro church (on Sunday) and micro church (everyday communities)
5. Church called to celebrated singleness AND marriage
- no matter what God calls you to, choose what allows you to serve God the most single-mindedly.
- our deepest longings are not for sex but for LOVE and ACCEPTANCE
6. Caring for our creation
- it matters because God cares about the earth and how we steward it!
- 60% of children in poor communities have asthma - environmental racism
- how can you believe you have a beautiful Creator when everything around you is falling apart?
- Shane shared about the importance of community gardens in the inner city - places where growth happens and children are able to see and experience the beauty of nature.
7. The church's commitment to peace making
- humbles YOURSELVES and teach the way of nonviolence to the world
- love is not easy; it's often harsh and difficult.

He's written a few books, The Irresistable Revolution: Living as an Ordinary Radical, and Jesus for President: The Politics of Ordinary Radicals. Check them out - I plan on reading these myself. :)

$1 in Quarters

2009-03-25T07:06:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been learning a hard lesson - the lesson of generosity and seeing all things as blessings from God and not my own. Time, for example. A gift from God to take another breath, and yet we hoard it, as if we had "earned" the time we have. Money is another example. We are given every dollar, through the grace of having a job (or our parents being blessed with jobs) and yet we hoard it, purchasing things that make ourselves happy.

Yesterday in small group, we studied Luke 20:45-Luke 21:4.

While all the people were listening, Jesus said to his disciples, "Beware of the teachers of the law. They like to walk around in flowing robes and love to be greeted in the marketplaces and have the most important seats in the synagogues and the places of honor at banquets. They devour widows' houses and for a show make lengthy prayers. Such men will be punished most severely."

The Widow's Offering

As he looked up, Jesus saw the rich putting their gifts into the temple treasury. He also saw a poor widow put in two very small copper coins."I tell you the truth," he said, "this poor widow has put in more than all the others. All these people gave their gifts out of their wealth; but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on."

It just really struck me how... these rich people probably gave a lot of money, and yet the one that was praised was the widow. It was a matter of sacrifice. Sure, the rich people probably gave a lot, but to them, it was no sacrifice. They did it with the wrong heart behind it - to be praised by others. The widow in this passage had little status in this world, as she had no husband, but yet she gave all that she had, knowing that no one would notice it. She still gave. She knew in her heart that God cared about her and would provide for her needs. Her giving was an act of humble worship.

It really convicted me. And it goes back to stewardship. Am I giving of my time, money, and everything else I've been blessed with? Or am I merely living a comfortable life? This morning, God tested that very thought in my heart.

I was walking to work in the rain, and saw two people from Mott's Hospital standing outside to bucket. I usually don't have any change in my pockets or on me, so when the first person approached me, I said, "Sorry, I don't have any change on me." She thanked me anyway and I kept walking. However, as I was reaching into my pocket, I discovered I had 4 quarters in my jacket. The first thought that came to my mind was that I could buy a snack later at work... but God quickly challenged me on that. "You have 4 quarters to give." That was all the change I had on me, but I found myself going back to the people who were bucketing and dropping all the change I had into their buckets.

It seems like a small thing - I mean, it's a $1 - but it was a lesson in learning to give what I had, even if it was just a little bit. God cares about the heart behind our giving, and I know He's going to continue to show me different ways in which I can give more selflessly!

Last Core Meeting

2009-03-23T05:45:00.000-07:00

I know this is going to sound really silly to most of you... but after I left the transitional Core meeting yesterday... I cried on the way home.

Wow, right? Going into the meeting, I had thought I would feel relieved, and happy that I wouldn't have to go to long meetings and stuff anymore. However, as I was listening to Albert Ma give his last talk as president, and then being asked to pray for the new Core, I just felt an overwhelming sense of sadness. The last Core meeting for me, in a way, symbolized in my mind my time in AIV drawing to a close. 4 years. I've seen CCF as a freshman, been a small group leader, been to 3 Chapter Focus Weeks, been on Core... and now my time is almost over.

As we were leaving the room, Albert and I were like, "Man... I feel sad now." It was the strangest feeling. We then started talking about the very first Core meeting, when we took the bus up to where Sara was living at the time to eat Korean noodles and almond tofu and how we spent the whole day doing SWOT analysis for each ministry. So many memories. It was not an easy year, and there were definitely times when I complained or was really frustrated with Core and with AIV, but in the end... that doesn't even matter. All I could think about were the memories and all the fun times we had, and how amazed I was at how faithful God was in working through all of us, despite our weaknesses.

I was filled with a sense of deep sadness that my time serving on Core was over, but also a deep sense of gratitude for having taken part in serving in AIV. I will definitely miss it, though! (although I am also happy and looking forward to my Sunday evenings... :))

Praying for Healing...

2009-03-18T06:51:00.000-07:00

As some of you know, I love blogging. Maybe I don't always write as much, but I love reading other people's blogs. I think the first blog I ever read that wasn't one of my friends' was Andie Smith's blog about her daughter, Audrey Caroline, who passed away shortly after birth. It broke my heart to read her story, but through her blog... I came to feel as if I knew her. She writes with an open heart, and really invited all of those who were reading her blog into her suffering and grieving, but also how she found hope in a situation where most people would only see darkness.

From her blog, I found the my charming kids blog, when millions of bloggers were praying hard for a little boy named Stellan, who was diagnosed with heart failure and other complications while in the womb. I remember reading at the end of last year on the day he was born - perfectly healthy! Praise God! :) He is now a thriving four month old baby. Following his diagnosis and seeing God work a miracle in their family was just... amazing.

Through her blog, I came across the story of baby Harper, who was born healthy but soon faced heart complications as well. After intense prayer from thousands of blog readers as well, she is now healed and home with her parents. It's so wonderful to see her, healthy and growing, and just praise God for the gift of children! I don't have any children yet, but just seeing how miraculous the birth of a child is... it really moves me. So often, there are complications and so many families lose their precious children, way too soon. On this last blog, the left sidebar is filled with blogs from parents and families who need prayer for their children. Many have passed away, and some are hanging on and waiting for a miracle.

Would you take some time out of your busy day and pray for these families? I know you don't know them personally, but prayer can transcend all boundaries, right? :)

Secure in God's Embrace - Ken Fong

2009-03-17T06:03:00.000-07:00

I've been reading this book for the past 2 days, and it has really ministered deeply to my soul. Ken writes about being loved completely and fully by God, and being adopted sons and daughters of God. If you think about adoption, parents often wait a long time in order to adopt a child, and when the child is finally theirs, they love them! With all the love in the world. I know there's exceptions, but for the most part, adoption is a joyous process and a life-changing event for both parent and child. It's very rare (and unheard of... really, in my memory) that a couple would bring a child into their lives and then send the child back when something goes wrong. The child is theirs, given to them by God (even though not by birth), and they take joy in raising the child.

Well, God adopted us! And no matter how much we mess up, our place in His arms is always secure. Ken puts it so beautifully:

"Jesus is not repelled by us, no matter how messy we are, regardless of how incomplete we are. When we recognize that Jesus is not discouraged by our humanity, is not turned off by our messiness, and simply doggedly pursues us in the face of it all, what else can we do but give in to His outrageous, indiscriminate love?"

It reminded me of the pssage Silu and I went through for discipleship in Ephesians 2:1-10, about being made alive in Christ. Here's the verses that really convicted me:

"But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus."

I know recently, I've been struggling with a lot of things in my life that were not glorifying to God. I think my natural response to God, when I mess up, is to hide. But God has really convicted me these past two days that by hiding, I'm inadvertently saying to Him, "Your death was not enough to cover me and I have to do more to make myself more 'worthy' of you." Do you guys get what I'm saying here? By refusing to allow God's grace into our lives, we basically say to Jesus that His death was not enough to save us, that His blood was not enough to wash us clean.

It really is humbling. Thank You, God, that our place in Your arms is always there, and that nothing we ever do will pry us away from that. You did promise that "neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." - Romans 8:39

Ken also writes a lot about receiving kisses from God. The first kiss we've all ever gotten was during the time of our creation when God kissed the breath of life into us. We don't remember that kiss at all, but it happened. Our second kiss from God, which we usually remember, was when God touched our hearts and gave us the Holy Spirit, the moment that we accepted God into our hearts. :) Think back on your childhood. Do you remember your parents hugging and kissing you? I know when I go home, even now, I still love it when my parents kiss me on the cheek or give me a hug. How much more amazing is it that God kisses us, every day! Without Him, we wouldn't have another day in this world. It's really humbling. He also writes about how as God's people, we are called to "kiss" others:

"The more uninhibited we become in our worship of God, the more eagerlywe want to partner with Jesus in his mission of mercy and love to rescue spiritual orphans, wherever they are, so they too might know their Maker and revel in his kisses, joining the delirious throngs that are worshiping the Lord in spirit and in truth."

Read this book. :) It'll touch your heart in many ways!

Uncomfortable Evangelism

2009-03-11T06:37:00.001-07:00

Strange title, huh? Let me explain...

So yesterday, my small group (South Quad) had a joint small group with Bursley. It was the strangest feeling walking into Bursley. For those of you who don't know, I co-lead a small group in Bursley (AIV's first Bursley small group, yeah!) with Brian Chen my sophomore year. I was so nervous and had never really even been to North Campus, but God taught me so much about His faithfulness that year. As long as we're willing, He will work powerfully through us. :) Anyway, it was very nostalgic walking through Bursley, remembering the times Jerry would meet me on North after class and we would eat together before sg (he wasn't in my small group, but he always ended class at 6, so we would eat together), the many DPMs we had there, and just so much more. Anyway...

Our topic yesterday was a discussion on evangelism. They showed us this video to start off:

We talked about the reasons for evangelism, why God calls us to evangelize, and more. After discussion was done, we had the choice of 3 things - do contact evangelism, pray for the people doing contact evangelism, or to come up with another original gospel presentation. It shocked me how quickly I decided not to do contact evangelism. I've done it, informally (not through AIV) but even after so many years, I still don't feel ready. What's keeping me from sharing the gospel with strangers? Why am I so scared?

I think it comes down to the fact that I feel I don't know enough about God to answer people's questions, and I fear what they'll think of me. This just shows how little faith I have, and how little I trust God. I'm definitely still growing in both areas, but I think it really shows my lack of faith when I'm put to the test and I back down. I just felt very uncomfortable; like, this is what I'm called to do but I don't feel ready to do it. Sharing the gospel with friends and family is easy for me, but not with a person I don't know. Hmm.

Any thoughts?

Michigan Bucket List

2009-03-10T06:19:00.000-07:00

So it finally dawned on me today that I'm leaving Michigan in almost exactly 2 months. For good. That is kind of scary, but it also reminded me that my time left is limited, and there's still so much I want to get done! So... I saw Spencer's list on Facebook of different places to go one last time, and I decided to make one too, just so I don't leave something out!

Food:

( ) Asian Legend. I know it's not the best, but I have some good memories there, and I would like to go, eat, and talk it up with the boss and his wife again. :)
( ) Bubble Island with Jerry, and with Betsy/Spencer/Sophia again (separately). Bubble Island is where Betsy/Spencer/Sophia and I spent most of Friday post-lgs freshmen year, often staying so late that we got kicked out (dang, we were crazy). Jerry and I had our first unofficial "date" there, so that place always holds good memories for me.
( ) Silvios. I heard they make good organic pizza. Never had it, though, so would love to try if anyone's up for it!
( ) The Broken Egg. Also heard this was good.
( ) Cafe Zola. I went there for my birthday and got a banana/nutella crepe for free - sooo good. They also have good coffee, and just cute decor in general! Would love to go back.
( ) Raja Rani - I heard they had good Indian food.

... any other suggestions? I feel like I've eaten at a lot of places already, but if there's anything that's good that I didn't mention, let me know!

Places to go:

( ) Sneak into the Michigan Big House when no one's there. Take pictures. :)
( ) North Campus Wave Field - I always heard this was cool; now that the weather is better, I want to see it!
( ) The Arb - I've actually only been there twice. Once during freshman year spring term, where Jerry took me on a picnic and we ate PB&J and watched the ducks swim in the river. It was really nice! I would like to go again.

... I also feel like I've been to most of the places on campus. But give me suggestions! There's probably still places I don't know about.

And of course... I want to see all of you guys/catch up before I leave. Look out for an email from me! :)

Can't believe 4 years has gone by so fast... it really does fly by.

Frustrations

2009-03-04T08:18:00.000-08:00

Wow. God really knew what I needed to hear this morning.

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” - Joshua 1:9

After a discussion with my mom on the phone last night (which resulted in me yelling... definitely not my proudest moment), I talked to Jerry for a long time, telling him how I felt discouraged. Yes, I have picked a grad school, and thank God so much for giving me an opportunity to serve with my gifts in the field of teaching, but these past couple days have not been easy. Having to explain to people what I want to do and what I feel my calling is has been hard. Others don't understand, and it's hard not having a mentor to talk to about these things. I know my friends are always willing to listen to me, but no one truly understands why I want to go into urban education, I think. Even my own parents, who've always been so supportive of me. When my mom heard I wanted to teach in an urban school, she immediately told me about safety concerns, what I'll do for my own children (will they go to those "crappy schools" too?), and asking me if I could teach somewhere else other than at those "crappy schools".

I guess it just frustrates me because this isn't a decision I made lightly. I didn't just wake up one day, decide to apply to grad school, and then decide I wanted to work with urban students. Since my freshman year at Michigan, when I came in not knowing what I wanted, I have been praying for God's guidance in my life. Through various experiences, He has slowly shown me how to combine my love for working with kids and teaching with social justice and advocating for the poor and those who don't have the opportunities that I was privileged to have growing up. I have taken classes all throughout college that will prepare me for this, and It's a road that is not taken by many, and I know in full that it will be one of the most difficult things I'll ever commit to. But God also never said that following in His path would be the easiest and most comfortable either.

"Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." Matthew 16:24

I'm also reminded of something else I read in Rafe Esquith's book There are No Shortcuts. People often look at me weird when I say I'm going to grad school for education. "You need to go to grad school for that? What's wrong with just a bachelor's degree?" I guess, the explanation I can give is that I didn't have a background in education, and I don't think I'm prepared enough to take on this important task. As Rafe puts it,

"There are many teachers in our system who can't do basic arithmetic and show no desire to better themselves for the sake of their students. I wonder if our society would be tolerant of general medical practitioners who didn't know their basic anatomy. Yet we tolerate ignorant teachers and are paying a terrible price for our apathy."

We require medical students to go through years and years of schooling, so that they can serve us with the best of skills. Yet, we question why teachers would go back for more school - these are children we're talking about. Just like in a surgery that goes wrong, there is no turning back to "fix" the mistakes later - children are growing now, and they need that solid foundation now. It pains me to see people question why teachers need to go to graduate school. They, just like doctors and other professionals, have an important job on their hands - wouldn't you want them to be more prepared as well and to be able to teach to the best of their ability?

Glory

2009-03-03T06:13:00.000-08:00

Glory - Nichole Nordeman

One day eyes that are blind will see you clearly
And one day all who deny will finally believe
One day hearts made of stone will break in pieces
And one day chains once unbroken will fall down at your feet
So we wait for that one day come quickly

Chorus
We want to see your Glory
Every knee falls down before thee
Every tongue offers you praise
With every hand raised
Singing Glory
To you and unto you only
We'll sing Glory to Your name

One day voices that lie will all be silent
One day all that's divided will be whole again
One day death will retreat and wave it's white flag
One day love will defeat the strongest enemy
So we wait for that one day come quickly

Chorus

We know not the day or the hour
Or the moments in between
But we know the end of the story
When we'll see

*****

This song was sung at Knox this past Sunday as the offering song. It really moved me, so I found it on Youtube to listen to the lyrics again.

Yesterday during discipleship with Silu we talked about prayer (Ephesians 2 - study of Paul's prayer for the Ephesians) and one point we both were greatly reminded of was praying with expectation and with faith for the future. We can't see the future, and it often feels awkward (for me, at least) to pray for the future, because sometimes I don't even know where to start! This song was a good reminder that Jesus is going to come again and redeem the world, and we can pray expectantly for that! I was also reminded to pray expectantly for my friends and family who do not know Christ - like it says in the song, God can melt the hardest of hearts. Looking ahead expectantly - definitely a lesson God is teaching me.

We also discussed God's power and work in miracles - I shared with her a couple instances in my life when I thought reconciliation was impossible, but God stepped in and showed me complete forgiveness and healing is possible. Another great reminder to pray - God listens and He always comes through for us, even when we pray half-heartedly and without any faith.

Ephesians has been teaching me a lot. It's been great learning about prayer and God's soveriegn power!

It's Official

2009-03-02T08:28:00.001-08:00

I mailed out my acceptance letter to them today. I will be spending the next year in the beautiful city of Philly, and I'm psyched! It was hard saying no to Michigan (you guys know I'll always love Michigan) but... when it came down to it, Penn's program fit more with what I was looking for in preparing me to teach in an urban school in the future.

I also loved the campus when I visited it. Like Michigan, it has a college town feel to it, even though it's in the middle of the city. I didn't feel stressed when walking around, and it was pretty relaxed. Things are close by, so it's easy to go out and buy food or other things. Public trasportation was amazing - definitely a big plus when living in the city! I also visited Columbia University this break, but didn't end up liking the program all that much. I thought that by doing the campus visit I would be able to learn more about the program, but the people who had lunch with us were not in the program, and couldn't answer my questions. I did get an information packet, but the specific program I applied to (teacher education) seemed to be lacking in ways that Penn and Michigan were strong in. The campus was beautiful... but it wasn't what I was looking for.

During my time in Orlando, I heard back from Stanford, my top choice. I didn't get in. I wasn't too sad about it - after all, I already had some other great options! After comparing Michigan and Penn... it came down to the fact that Penn was focused on urban education. Every single student gets placed in an urban school, while at Michigan, there was only one school in Detroit, and it was for high achieving students... not the population I'm looking to work with. Since Penn is in the middle of the city, urban communities are close by and easy to get connected to, while Michigan is in Ann Arbor, a wealthy town. Somehow, Penn just seemed to fit, in every way that I was looking for. There just seemed to be a lot of opportunity for what I hope to do in the future.

Thanks, God, for the opportunity of a lifetime. I hope I can make the most of it and serve You well. I wasn't so sure about my calling all throughout college - there were always doubts - but it seems as though all those doubts have been washed away. You've made it very clear that this is what You've called me to, and I pray that You'd be with me as I move to a new and unfamiliar place.

If you're on the east coast next year, don't forget to come visit! :)

Off to Spring Break!

2009-02-19T12:30:00.001-08:00

So I'm still at the Detroit Airport. I had a flight today at 1:05 to Chicago, and then 3:15 to Philly, but because of construction and other things, the flight to Chicago was pushed back to 2:45 (who knows if that ever came) and I missed my connecting flight. American Airlines put me on a flight to Philly on U.S. Airways, which means that I checked in twice and went through security twice. It doesn't seem too bad, but security was extra tight today, so going through security the first time took about 40 minutes (Jerry was already home by the time I got through!). I also had to go get my bag and recheck it, get a refund from AA, and ahhhh, it was just the worst flight experience I've had. I haven't even gotten on the plane yet, and it's just been a long and tiring day.

So tonight - UPenn, hopefully!

Here's my plan for the coming week:

Friday: Visit Columbia, see Linda and Ivan, hopefully. And maybe Sky, if she's free!
Saturday and Sunday: Tour Philly and UPenn
Monday - Friday: Orlando!

Hopefully this all works out and my next update will be in Philly! :)

Making Sense of Luke 20

2009-02-18T06:30:00.000-08:00

Two weeks ago in WCI we prepped on the passage Luke 20. After studying it on my own for a while, I understood the basic message, but it was still very complex. I couldn't really explain to the SGLs in my small group what some of the verses meant, and I think we left the meeting with more questions than actual answers (which is okay too - challenges you to think). However, yesterday, during small group, it was as if God flipped a switch in my head - I finally understood what it meant! But before I go into that, this was the passage we studied:

The Parable of the Tenants

He went on to tell the people this parable: "A man planted a vineyard, rented it to some farmers and went away for a long time. At harvest time he sent a servant to the tenants so they would give him some of the fruit of the vineyard. But the tenants beat him and sent him away empty-handed. He sent another servant, but that one also they beat and treated shamefully and sent away empty-handed. He sent still a third, and they wounded him and threw him out.

"Then the owner of the vineyard said, 'What shall I do? I will send my son, whom I love; perhaps they will respect him.'

"But when the tenants saw him, they talked the matter over. 'This is the heir,' they said. 'Let's kill him, and the inheritance will be ours.' So they threw him out of the vineyard and killed him.

"What then will the owner of the vineyard do to them? He will come and kill those tenants and give the vineyard to others." When the people heard this, they said, "May this never be!"

Jesus looked directly at them and asked, "Then what is the meaning of that which is written:
" 'The stone the builders rejected
has become the capstone? Everyone who falls on that stone will be broken to pieces, but he on whom it falls will be crushed."

The teachers of the law and the chief priests looked for a way to arrest him immediately, because they knew he had spoken this parable against them. But they were afraid of the people.

The part that my small group in WCI was particularly confused about was the part about the stone being the capstone. What does it mean when Jesus said "Everyone who falls on that stone will be broken into pieces, but he on whom it falls will be crushed." At the time, I think I tried to reason it out for my group, but I don't think I made much sense (sorry, guys!). But yesterday during small group, as we looked through this passage again, I had a thought. Now, I don't know if this is right, and I know there are more interpretations than the one I came up with, but I just thought it was really cool. :)

Jesus is the capstone, right? Everyone of us, when we die, will have to face judgment, believers and nonbelievers alike. We are all unworthy, and we all fall short of the glory of God. So before Jesus, everyone will fall into pieces, because we simply don't measure up. The second part of the verse, I feel, is speaking about those who have rejected Christ or never fully accepted Him into their hearts. God's judgment falls on all of us, but it crushes those who have rejected Him. There is also a difference between being broken and being crushed, because when something is broken into pieces, you can still glue it back together, or at least pick up the broken pieces. When something is crushed, it's like sand - you can't hold onto all of it, and you can't put it back together, either.

So cool. :) If you guys have a different interpretation, I would love to hear it! It's amazing when God's word finally makes sense.

Death

2009-02-16T12:55:00.000-08:00

Thinking about death always puts a pang in my heart. I have been fortunate enough to still have all my grandparents, and I think the passing of old age is a peaceful thing. To leave a legacy on this earth, to know that your life mattered.

But I've come into contact this past year with death on a real level, a personal level, on a peer-to-peer level. A dear friend of mine, who I used to talk to very often, passed away after a tragic car accident. On Valentine's Day, I read Kat's blog about her friend who was in a coma after a car accident, and learned this morning that he had passed away. What do you say when death hits you so suddenly? How do you reconcile the fact that God allowed this, but it still seems so unfair because their lives had just begun? How do I reconcile the fact that every day, mothers lose babies that they never even had the chance to hold?

What does God say about death in those situations? Is it fair? I don't think it is. I still have a really hard time coming to terms with death in these situations, and there are no easy answers. Still, my heart questions constantly. I know God is good, and He has a plan... but sometimes, life just seems too unfair for that to make sense.

Valentine's Day

2009-02-15T11:42:00.000-08:00

Valentine's Day this year was pretty fun. :) We went to IHOP for brunch, chilled at home in the afternoon, and went out to Ichiban for an early Japanese Hibachi dinner. It was delicious! Later that night, we went to sing kareoke with Jenny and Steven (she has the photos)! It was a great time with lots of laughs and lots of falsetto singing, haha! :D Jerry bought me a bunch of red tulips from Whole Foods (Fair Trade! He knows my heart) and some organic chocolate truffles. And also claimed that the big Whole Foods bag in his car was filled with "personal items"... and I believed him. Sigh. I'm too gullible, seriously! But he got a good laugh out of it, so I guess it's all worth it!

Valentine's Day is about love - not just with your significant other, but with friends as well. But it also shouldn't be the only day that is about love or the only day that we think or say that we love each other. Everyday that we have with our loved ones is a special day. My mom was always telling us this when we were growing up, and I think it stuck. I know Jerry always likes to spoil me and take me out and buy me nice things, but I told him today that what matters to me is that we are together and that we spend quality time together. Forget the flowers and the fancy dinners and presents -if there's no love... then it's all meaningless. Spend time with the people you love - that's what will last in the end!

Thanks for being my valentine, even when I am cranky, messy, and annoying. Thank you for putting up with my many, many flaws, and still thinking that I'm beautiful anyway. Here's to many more Valentine's Days together, I hope! :)

Old Writing

2009-02-11T08:31:00.001-08:00

So I used to have this writing journal on LJ... I went through it today and read some of the stuff. Some of it was really cheesy... but some of it was very meaningful. I'm going to post some of it here to share with you guys:

*****

On Self-Image:

She stands in front of the clear mirror in the changing room, turning around and around, looking at how the pants fit her. She wrestled with her thoughts, thinking, “They’re too tight, I got fatter, that’s why they don’t fit very well.” A wave of depressing thoughts filled her mind, as she tried to block them out. “Jesus loves me the way I am,” she tried to repeat over and over in her mind, but the depressing thoughts came again and again. Sighing, she opened the door for her mother to inspect her. Her mother looked at her approvingly, complimenting her on her features and how the pants fit just fine. Only she knew, though, that they were too tight, and tears came to her eyes. “I’m too fat, too fat.” She sighed as she locked the door and shed the pants. Was she doomed to never find clothes to wear anymore? Suddenly, she heard a voice calming her frenzied nerves. It was a voice she knew well, a voice that spoke to her heart at the times when she felt the least hopeless. Even at a time like this, with such trivial matters, the voice cared for her every concern and worry. It did not say anything in words, but the girl felt a wave of peace and love wash over her, and all her superficial fears were washed away. The voice comforted her by whispering a few words that had often been said to her at these times of doubt...

“You are adored and loved by the Highest Prince of all…”

*****

The worship music fills her ears as she walks through the doors of the church. This is the place where she has grown up – she has been coming since she was in 4th grade. Although at the beginning it was merely for social purposes, throughout the years, God has transformed her life in a way that she’s never dreamed He could. She now comes for no other purpose than to seek Him more, to know Him more, to praise Him for all the wonderful things He’s done in her life, whether big or little. She chooses a seat at the front of the room, and silently prays that God will draw her to Him today, everyday. She sings the songs, not for others to see, but because they are the prayers of her own heart. She doesn’t care what people might say about her – she’s completely filled with adoration for her Savior, and He’s all that matters during that half an hour of worship. He’s done so much for her – what more could she do in return besides to humbly come before Him? She smiles as she bows her head and prays – it’s been another beautiful Sunday morning in the presence of her loving Father.

*****

her thin, wrinkled hand grasped on tightly to mine as we made our way through the throngs of people. these hands have known the pain of war - how good food felt when there was finally something to eat. these hands have held onto my grandfather's when they were married nearly five decades ago. these hands have cared for and nurtured three beautiful children and six grandchildren. these hands have soothed a bumped knee, a scraped elbow, and much, much more. these hands have cooked over a thousand meals for a family of five, and had given unconditionally. these hands, which were once strong, have become frail and bony. she used to hold my hand as we crossed streets, but now she needs me to support her while we walk. her eyes can no longer see as well as they used to, and it is now my job to aid her. i hold onto my grandma's hand firmly as we walked on that street, talking about random things. only God knows how much she's been through - each pain and suffering is written in the deep lines of her calloused hands. she is no longer as strong as she once was, and after her supporting me my whole life, it is now my turn to help her, to make things easier for her.

*****

She is an ordinary girl.

Like every other girl, she wishes for a Prince Charming, made especially for her, one day. Like every other girl, she swoons whenever a guy buys her a boquet of flowers, although that hasn't happened since years ago. Like every other girl, she loves chocolate, chick flicks, and cuddly things. She especially likes it when someone makes her feel special.

Admist her friends who seem to have so many pursuers, sometimes she feels like an oddball. Occasionally, she'll wonder if she needs to put herself out there so she can have the oppurtunity to date. But a gentle voice soothes her heart, "Your commitment to Me right now is the most important -- I'll bless you with a Prince Charming soon enough, as long as you trust in Me." Then, the lonely feelings disappear. Sometimes she daydreams of their life together, of what her future will be like. She doesn't know if he's a part of her future, or if she's even going to get married one day, but she has her own Prince in heaven - what more could she want?

He knows her needs, her wants, her fears, and her deepest thoughts. He loves her so much that He sent His own son down to die for the sins that would break His heart, but yet, He loves her anyway, just the way she is. On the days when tears course down her cheeks and her heart hurts because of something someone said to her, He holds her heart, and mends it with His tender words. When she rejoices because of a thing accomplished through Him, she runs to Him in silent prayer and gratitude, and He smiles. He gives her all the strength she'll ever need to make it through the tough times, and mends every wound and rubs over every scar. He's the one who brings her a beautiful sunset and sunrise every morning. He makes the roses bloom and the birds sing, just so He can show her how much He loves her. She delights in every moment, trying to capture mental images of this amazing love for her.

Even if this Prince Charming is not in her future life, she knows she'll always be loved and provided for. For He is more than enough for her.

*****

She had always been a tomboy. From the age of six and up, she had refused to wear pink. She hated wearing dresses, skirts, and even tighter and better fitting pants, and instead felt comfortable wearing t-shirts that went up to her knees and baggy capris that could've been mistaken for guy pants. For years, she dressed this way, much to her parents' dismay. "Why can't you dress like a little lady?" they asked her every morning. She told them that she would never be like or dress like her girly and feminine older sister.

However, one day, she grew up. Tighter pants didn't seem too bad after all. Her sister often found her showing up at school in her pink t-shirts and hand-me-down jeans, articles of clothing that she had scorned so passionately just months before. Something inside of her was changing. She cared about what she wore -- glasses were pushed aside to be replaced with contacts, running shoes were thrown out to make way for a new pair of Adidas superstars. All the boyish clothes in her dressers were folded and put in the closet, and the empty drawers were filled with pinks, purples, reds, and blues. Her sister noticed how much time she spent in the bathroom every morning, primping and cleaning. She's a completely different person now -- more mature, more feminine, more stylish and trendy.
has to grow up sometime.

Everyone grows up sometime, right?

*****

I've come a long way in my writing, but there's nothing like reading an old journal that makes you think about the past.

Baptism

2009-02-09T07:28:00.001-08:00

2/8/09 - Knox Presbyterian Church for Jerry and Rudy's Baptisms

Jerry & Pastor Bob

Rudy & Pastor Bob

What an exciting day. Both of these guys came to Christ through AIV (CCF back then, for Jerry) and it was just amazing to be able to witness their proclamation of faith. :) I don't know Rudy's story as well, but I know Jerry's, and I know it took a LOT to get to this point. Not because he didn't want to (he did... and has wanted to for the longest time) but things like family got in the way. It was amazing to be there for his baptism, and my heart is full of praise and thankfulness for God and His faithfulness to all of us! Jerry's dad even came for the baptism... which, if you know his family background, is nothing short of a miracle. :) Praise God!

Marva Collin's Way

2009-02-02T10:18:00.000-08:00

I read another book on teaching by a teacher named Marva Collins. What an inspirational teacher and role model! She taught in the public schools for a couple years after becoming a teacher, but was discouraged by the lack of enthusiasm teachers had for their students. She saw students who were bright and full of potential slip through the cracks and never realize their potential or have an opportunity to succeed. So she started her own school, beginning in the basement of a university and moving to her own house and finally, to becoming an independent school. Simply amazing. Her students excelled and all improved, and the school just grew and grew.

I want to be that kind of teacher one day.

*****

"Neighborhoods like Garfield Park are made up of mostly people from the South, like myself. I don't understand why my southern pride stuck when theirs didn't. Part of the problem is that people are looking for easy solutions. They've been led to believe that someone else is going to do things for them. Too many black people have fallen into the pattern of listening to the self-proclaimed leaders who find it in their own best interest to make people feel there are 'free rides' in this world. If so many foreign immigrants could come to America and make it, so can people like those in Garfield Park. But unfortunately, so many blacks are waiting for white America to be their Messiah... I am convinced that the real solution is education. We have to teach students self-reliance and self-respect. We have to teach them the importance of learning, of developing skills, of doing for themselves. I'm always reminding my students tnat if you give a man a fish, he will eat for only one day. If you teach him how to fish, he will feed himself for a lifetime. The legacy I want to leave behind is a generation of children who realize that you can't get something for nothing, who are proud and resourceful enough to take care of their own. In this messed up world, the only children who are going to make something of themselves are those who come from strong parents or those who have had a strong teacher. One or the other. Or both."

"The longer I taught in the public school system, the more I came to think that schools were concerned with everything BUT teaching. Teaching was the last priority, something you were supposed to do after you collected the milk money, put up the bulletin boards, straightened the shades and desks, punched all the computer cards with pre-test and post-test scores, and charted all the reading levels so they could be shipped downtown to the Board of Education. Everybody was test crazy. Nothing was important except a student's performance on standardized tests. Teachers were supposed to teach skills specifically for those tests. The strange thing is that if a child didn't learn, no one held the teacher responsible. If an eight-grader doesn't know how to read, no one went back to that child's first, second, or third grade teacher and ask what went wrong. It's always the child's fault."

"My approach was to teach the total child. A teacher should help develop a child's character, help build a positive self-image. I was concerned about everything - attitudes, manners, grooming. I made sure my students' faces were clean, their hair combed, their shirts tucked in, and their socks pulled up. I told them to walk with their heads up and their shoulders back, to have dignity and confidence. And I cautioned them that what a person thinks of himself will determine his destiny."

"The book you give a child to read will determine what the child reads later on. If we give children boring Dick-and-Jane type of stories, how can we spark curiosity in future reading? Fairy tales and faves whet a child's appetite for more reading, and they are a excellent means of teaching the rudiments of literary analysis."

"The one thing all the children finally wanted was the chance to be accepted for themselves, to feel some self-worth. Once they felt t, children became addicted to learning, and they had the desire to learn forever."

"A child who doesn't know how to read can't do anything. But a child does not learn how to read by osmosis. It requires work - hard boring work without any shortcuts."

"My approach is to address a fault without ever attacking a child's character. Who they were was always separate from what they did. A child could give up behavior without giving up any self-dignity or self-worth."

"Once children learn how to learn, nothing is going to narrow their minds. The essence of teaching is to make learning contagious, to have one idea spark another."

"'Each teacher must prepare, prepare, prepare, and prepare some more,' Marva had told her. 'We never assign to children what we do not understand ourselves. Never assign children books you haven't read. Remember, written book reports are often copied. The child copies from the front of the book, the middle, and the end. Have the child describe the book orally, and be ready for the child to test you to see if you have read the book.'"

Pistons vs. Cavs

2009-02-01T18:41:00.000-08:00

I went to my first live basketball game today! It was the Pistons vs. Cavs. We lost by 10... but it was still an exciting game. I think basketball is more fun to watch than football, because it's much more fast paced.

During the line-up, for every Pistons player, they had this fire-thing shoot up from the hoop. Way cool! :D

Slightly out of focus, but it's the best one I have. We wore all the Pistons colors! :D Even though we lost, it was still a fun time with other AIV people and stuff. My camera died after this, though, so I didn't get any more photos of people. :(

This video was shown during halftime...

Soooo funny. I think Ann and I enjoyed it the most in our row, haha. :D

There Are No Shortcuts

2009-01-26T11:52:00.000-08:00

I read this great book called There Are No Shortcuts by Rafe Esquith. I'm not a teacher yet, but he definitely put a lot of the realities of teaching into perspective for me. It was really interesting to read, although at the beginning I was a little thrown off by his sarcastic way of writing. However, it grew on me, and I found myself laughing during a lot of the stories he shared about his students. I wrote down my favorite quotes, since I borrowed the book from the library, and wanted to share some with you guys. But mostly for my own record. :)

*****

"We teachers are all boxers. We get hit a lot. I've been knocked down so many times I'm often woozy. But I've learned something in my first nineteen years in the classroom: all teachers, even the best ones, get knocked down. The difference between the best ones and the others is that the best ones always get up to answer the bell. May you always get up. It is a child ringing the bell, and he needs your help."

"As many teachers will admit about themselves, I was completely incompetent during my first few years in the classroom, but at least I figured out one thing. I discovered I wasn't going to be happy living a life to please others. I needed to live a life helping others. I wanted to be in a school where children didn't go to hotels. I desired to go where children not only didn't own books but didn't even know where the local library was."

"Everything has become too easy for our young people, and we make things worse by lying to them. We don't help them face reality. Teachers and schools lie to children and their parents all the time. We have courses for middle-school students called 'pre-algebra'. Pre-algebra? This term is a euphemism. These students never mastered basic arithmetic and are not ready for algebra when other kids their age are."

"But the warning is here for all you young teachers who dare to be first rate - there will be many who try to stop you. Outstanding teaching requires you not only to do everything in your power to reach your students but to battle forces that are supposed to be on your side. You may be lucky and wind up in that rare school or district where those in charge support your efforts. However, it is not unusual for people more concerned with money, politic, and power to hinder the efforts of dedicated teachers. So be prepared to battle, unless you want to be like everyone else."

"What do you stand for? My father taught me that a person who stands for nothing will fall for anything. The best teachers stand for a set of principles on which they will not compromise."

" With better vision, we sacrifice for students for whom that sacrifice will most likely pay off. Im sorry to say this, but there are times when even superhuman effort will not save a child from his environment or himself. It is not the job of the teacher to save a child's soul; it is the teacher's job to provide an opportunity for the child to save his own soul."

"I have a code, as any good teacher or parent must have. It doesn't matter if I lost a battle yesterday. It doesn't matter if the odds are against me. It doesn't matter if I'm just one fellow trying to fight television, corporations, and a society that hasn't yet achieved Dr. Martin Luther King's dream of judging someone by the content of his character."

"There are many teachers in our system who can't do basic arithmetic and show no desire to better themselves for the sake of their students. I wonder if our society would be tolerant of general medical practitioners who didn't know their basic anatomy. Yet we tolerate ignorant teachers and are paying a terrible price for our apathy."

"I have since learned the best reason to take students on the road: children learn and understand how to behave by being exposed to new situations and watching others."

*****

Good read. For those of you who are going into teaching, read this book!

Prayer Room

2009-01-22T05:46:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, Jerry and I braved the frigid cold and trekked to the University Lutheran Chapel to check out the prayer room. I had gone two years ago (my sophomore year) with my DPM, but didn't make it there at all last year (my fault) so I definitely wanted to go again.

It was amazing to be still in God's presence, as always, to listen to others softly praying and the music playing in the background. I spent a good half an hour looking at the prayer wall and writing my own prayers. It struck me how intimately some of the prayers written tied to my own heart. It was cool to recognize friends' handwriting and identify their prayers, and to pencil in "Amen!" next to those prayers that echoed my own. I spent a good portion of time with my eyes closed just sitting with God, speaking but also listening. It's been a while since I have been still before Him.

It also reminded me that stillness and quietness in God is something I really enjoy, and something that I can have and experience everyday, if I am intentional about it! It might be hard to find a completely quiet place in the midst of our busy lives, but it is possible. After leaving the room after an hour and a half (it felt like 5 minutes), we went to the Common Cup, which is the coffee shop on the ground floor of the church, and had a white cocoa drink. It was also 25% off since we had come from the prayer room. Tasty! :)

Living Green

2009-01-20T06:49:00.000-08:00

In recent months, I have been exploring different ways to live a "greener" life. I'm just gonna share a few tips on what I've been doing recently:

1) Use reusable bags when shopping. It doesn't have to be just food shopping either, although when you go grocery shopping at Whole Foods and Meijer, you get $0.10 off per bag. Not a whole lot but it does add up! You're also saving a ton of plastic and paper, too. Whole Foods and Meijer both have reusable bags for sale for cheap ($1 ish).

2) Recycle everything possible. I know this one is a little bit obvious, but did you know that you can recycle #5 plastics (yogurt cups and the like) at Whole Foods now? So exciting. :) No more unnecessary plastic ending up in landfills. It may seem like it takes extra effort, but you're going to go shop anyway - why not bring your reusable bag filled with recyclable plastic to the store with you?

3) Use a water bottle and an insulated coffee mug daily. If you drink coffee everyday... that's one cup a day, at least, which means 365 cup a YEAR. That's a lot of paper that usually is just thrown away. Using a thermos or mug only requires that you remember to bring it with you when you go out. I always throw mine in my backpack, so if I do feel like getting Starbucks or tea at work, I can use it and save a cup. Sounds like a small thing, but it really adds up. So remember your mugs and water bottles!

4) Use rags. When you're wiping up spills in the kitchen, instead of reaching for the paper towels, use a rag! Old t-shirts make good ones (I haven't done this one personally yet, but I have started using rags). Not only do rags hold more water, you can keep reusing them. When they need washing, just throw them in with your laundry! Saves time and you don't have to do a whole separate load.

5) Another idea was to use cloth napkins. I also haven't tried this myself yet, but would like to try in the future. Think about how many napkins and tissues we use each day - I know for myself, I use quite a few.

6) Buy locally grown food. I learned about this during my nutrition class last semester, and I know I've learned to be more conscious of it when I shop. The closer the food is grown to where you're living, the cheaper it is (less transportation costs) and the less energy it takes for the food to be shipped to you. Not to mention, the food is much fresher and can be kept for longer!

7) Buy organically. I know there has been much debate about how organic food is just more expensive but not that much better... but I disagree. I know that organically-raised meat sometimes costs a lot more than packaged meat, but I can tell you that it does taste different. It tastes better, and with proper handling, can be kept longer as well, but does taste the best when cooked soon after purchase. I've really enjoyed the selections of organically-raised meat at Whole Foods (haha, I love that place!) and I don't mind spending a bit extra for tastier and healthier meats and vegetables. Living green applies to your body as well! Treat yourself to healthier food - it's worth it!

8) Tiff gave me these two cool links. I'm going to add them here so I can have them in the future, too!

For old books that you can't sell and give away and that have just been collecting dust at home... why not send them to Better Books? Not only do they pay for you to ship the books to them (if it's 3+ books), they also use ecofriendly boxes to ship the books to people who need them. Pretty sweet deal, if you ask me!

For used CDs, go to this site. Awesome!

Those are just some of the changes I've made to my life, and I hope you find them useful as well. Small changes, one at a time, do make a difference. :) Some good blogs I like to read are Daily Danny and The Greenest Dollar.

Keep sending me sites or ideas if you have them! :)

God's Word

2009-01-11T20:04:00.001-08:00

(I played around on iPhoto but I can't seem to flip the picture so "ESV" is going the right way. Sorry about the funky lighting, too!)

This was my Christmas present from Jerry this past Christmas. :) Ever since this Bible came out, I've been wanting to get it, because of all the knowledge and background and commentary that was in it. It was a Bible that was praised by many pastors about its good and sound teaching, and I wanted to know more. Since I started reading the Bible more in depth, I've been wanting more - more context, more background. Ever since I started reading this Bible, I've been hooked! I love getting background knowledge on why certain books/letters were written, and it really challenges me to think more about the text. There are also maps and colored pictures to give you even more context on what was going on during the time that the Bible was written. Pretty neat!

If you're like me and like to have background and context on what you're reading, please consider investing in this Bible! You won't be disappointed. :) It's pricey, but I think God's word is a worthy investment, don't you think? :D

White As Snow

2009-01-08T06:55:00.000-08:00

Walking to work today was really calming. It snowed around 5 inches last night, and since it was early morning, not many people had been out so the snow was perfect. Light, fluffy, and so clean. It reminded me of a verse from Isaiah:

"Come now, let us reason together," says the LORD. "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool." ~ Isaiah 1:18

It was beautiful. :) I wish I had my camera. Maybe I'll go out later today and take some pictures!

The Shack

2009-01-07T07:46:00.001-08:00

I first heard about the book The Shack by WM. Paul Young in an email I got from christianbooks.com. It was a popular bestseller, but I didn't really know what it was about. I picked it up at Costco over break (Costco sells all books for cheaper! :D) and just finished reading it today.

This book was a great read because it was so different. I won't give the ending away, but the story begins with a guy named Mack. The story is mainly from his perspective. He has a family, and his youngest daughter, Missy, goes missing during a family vacation and is never found. They did find a blood-soaked dress in an old abandoned shack, though. He struggles with his grief for four years, as does his family, and gets a note one day inviting him back to the shack, signed "Papa", an endearing name that his wife uses to address God. He thinks it's a sick joke at first, but feels compelled to go, and so he eventually does.

What he experiences in the shack is...amazing, to say the least. The book centers around his healing process and the interactions between the Trinity - it's really cool because there are three characters in the book (actual people) with characteristics that correspond to the different components of God. It was so cool to read, because I've always had a hard time distinguishing the differences/similarities between the three, and this book just took a different spin on it. Very creative and relatable for all people, I think!

Go get this book and read it. :) It'll make you think! And check out this website too: www.theshackbook.com

Here's to 2009!

2009-01-05T10:00:00.000-08:00

I know it's already 5 days into it, but it's never too late, right? :)

I don't usually make many resolutions, because they are hard to keep, but I like to make goals for myself for the coming year. I might not always get there, but it's something for myself to strive towards. So this year, my goals are:

1. Take more pictures. I read on this professional photographer's blog (he was writing about how he got into photography) and the piece of advice someone gave him was, "Take 100,000 pictures." I've taken, maybe a couple thousand, but I can definitely work on taking more.

2. Move somewhere else - or stay in Michigan, if that's where God calls me to for graduate school.

3. Read more books. This semester should be good for doing that! (almost done reading The Shack by WM Paul Young - this needs another post in itself!)

4. Spend more time investing in others.

5. Live more green. I've already taken a lot of steps to doing so, and God's been slowly revealing to me the passion with which He loves His creation and His world. It's a broken world that we live in... largely due to our own doing. If I can do simple things (use a water bottle, buy a lunchbox, use Tupperware... just a few things I've started to do) and make a difference, I should be encouraging my friends to do so too. I'll write another post on this later as well!

6. Put the ESV Study Bible that Jerry bought me for Christmas (thanks! :D) to good use. I started reading Ephesians through it, and was just blown away by how much historical context and history I learned through reading it! I love it! It really teaches me so much more deeply about God's word. Loving it so far. :) I also encourage you guys to get this Bible - it's worth it!

7. Never stop learning. Even though I'm not in class this semester, I don't want to stop learning. I taught myself to knit two days ago, and have been trying to knit a scarf. It's going slowly, but I'm enjoying it. :) I love learning how to do new things!

That's it for now. I went back to work today - it was pretty chill. :)

Upcoming posts... Following Christ conference, The Shack, and small steps to living green.

A Simple Christmas

2008-12-25T19:53:00.000-08:00

The tree that Jerry and I put up at his house. There's no ornaments on it (we couldn't find them) but we did put all sorts of lights and stuff on it. Simple, but pretty, and merry, I guess! :)

This year's Christmas wasn't super exciting as some previous Christmases have been. It was cold outside and nothing was open, so we mostly stayed indoors, watching movies (Tropic Thunder is... funny, but much more of a guy's movie), singing Christmas carols, and just chilling. Very relaxing, but still fun. Jerry's mom cooked us a feast for dinner - very Asian, but sooo delicious. It truly is the way she shows her love (through cooking) and it was really nice of them to do this for us. We bought them a huge chocolate gift basket from Harry and David and a cute puppy card. :)

It has been snowing lots this past week, but yesterday it rained and today the rain froze over, leaving ice all over the driveway... here are some pictures I got.

Really like how this one turned out!

Tomorrow, it's back to Ann Arbor, and then leaving for Chicago on Saturday! :) Exciting! Pray for a safe trip there (hope the weather won't get too bad)!

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-24T21:17:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas, everyone! :) It's technically Christmas now (17 minutes past 12 AM) and I am finishing up my personal statement for Harvard University. Yeah... that in itself is a story I'll get into, but anyway! I hope you are all safe and sound, and spending time with friends or family, or both! I'm a little sad that I am not with my family this year (I'm staying at Jerry's house for now), but I am excited for the upcoming Human Flourishing conference. Still, the holidays does make you long for home, if just a little bit. I know my family is safe and sound, and healthy, and that gives me a lot of peace. :)

So, onto Harvard -- when looking into grad schools, I saw that they had a Teacher Education Program, but immediately ruled it out, because, c'mon, me, Harvard? You've got to be kidding! But as the semester went on, they kept sending me things, whether it was emails or brochures (and these were really nice ones - all color, nice packaging, etc.). Anyway, it piqued my interest again, so I looked more into it. I had been applying to schools that were known for their urban focus, and Harvard fit perfectly into what I was looking for.

Well... it was kind of late to be asking professors to write me another recommendation, especially with Christmas coming up. So I hesitantly emailed them, and told God, "Well, if no one responds or they are unwilling to, then I won't apply." Surprisingly, all three of them emailed me back within 24 hours, saying they'd be glad to write me another recommendation! Wow! It was such a fast response... so now I am applying. Everything is pretty much done - just have to work on the personal statement.

I still have no idea where I might be next year, but thank God for the opportunities that He's given me. I'm not getting my hopes up for Harvard - it is an extremely competitive program - but I can see myself at any of the schools I applied to, and whichever one that might be, I hope God shows me in time! (and soon, too... I haven't heard back from anything yet!)

So yes, this is what I wanted to share right now, and I'm off to bed. Christmas post later when I wake up! (I finally got my white Christmas - first one in my life!)